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Booked for five, arrived seven thirty
No apology, dishevelled and dirty.
He stood at the door with a wrench and brown case,
A length of pipe and a smile on his face.
You should have come sooner, I hope you can swim.
I tugged on his arm and pulled him in.
Normally I’m clean and the house is quite posh
But when we got to the kitchen, the place was awash.
I told him the trouble started under the sink.
He stood there mesmerised as if unable to think.
From then, the day went dreadfully downhill,
When he remarked that I’d receive a sizable bill.
Donning a wet suit, snorkel and flippers
He dived under the water brandishing grippers.
Seems like ages later, when up he popped
And said the source of the leak I think I have stopped.
The water by now lapped at my chest
So I gave him a snarl, as I wasn’t impressed.
I swam round him in circles and called him a chump.
So he waded right out and came back with a pump.
At midnight, utensils and filth littered the floor.
He gave me the bill, which I chose to ignore,
And asked, Have you seen the film, Dumb and Dumber?
Well you’re dumber than most, Mr. Expensive Plumber.
I picked up his wrench and stoved in his head.
He fell into the filth and he looked quite dead.
He came around later and called me a gutsy lady, you see.
That’s why twenty years later we sit sharing tea.
When he was discharged from hospital we soon got wed
And together we’ve spun life’s silken thread.
I know he’s not dumb, ‘cos he’s a plumber, you see,
And the money he brings home, makes a very happy me.
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