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Goodbye Charlie Sparkler Commercial



The prompt was a photograph of an electric chair.

“Operators are standing by! 1-800-565-0894!”

“These are not your cheap roadside antique hot seats folks. These are your heavy duty high octane ‘eee-lektriks’ - every last one of ‘em with a jailhouse history. This beauty you see here comes from the Florida State Penitentiary and autographed personally by Warden Sparks!”

“It’s a sad fact of life we don’t fry people like we done before. Now it’s all injections -- so let’s get back to basics, folks. You can own your own Goodbye Charlie Sparkler Electric Chair. Can’t you see yourself in this beauty watching television in your living room, or maybe sitting on the front porch tilted back with your feet up on the railing - sitting there waiting for the mailman?”

“1-800-565-0894. Operators are standing by.

For only three payments of $39.95 each this solid oak electric chair with original steerhide shackles for head, arms and ankles and heavy duty copper electrodes will be on its way to you. For the first 50 callers the Goodbye Charlie Sparkler will include a black canvas drawstring hood.”

“Don’t forget folks, this historic offering is fully operational and almost entirely harmless. Goodbye Charlie Sparkler comes with a step-down transformer to bring the voltage down from 2200 to 110. It is no more painful than sticking your finger in a light socket. Invigorating and recommended by the American Medical Association. If your sex life has you on edge, if you can’t sleep at night for fear of what’s coming tomorrow, Goodbye Charlie Sparkler will give you a leg up on the competition.”

“1-800-565-0894. Operators are standing by.

“Let me introduce you to Maudie Bollinger -- Maudie how do you like your Goodbye Charlie Sparkler?”

“OH I can’t tell how much I love my Goodbye Charlie Sparkler. My husband, George had no life in him at all. He’d come home from his job at the bottling plant all tuckered out. Couldn’t hardly finish his supper, he’d plunk himself down on the sofa and be out like a light before Hollywood Squares come on.”

“Then what, Mrs. Bollinger?”

“Well I called 1-800-565-0894, (there was an operator standing by) and I ordered me up an ebony Goodbye Charlie Sparkler, the same one that fried that Bruno Hauptman fella. It came in no time at all and I set it up in front of the TV. Well anyways, George set himself down in it and I plugged it in. Well! You never seen a man come alive so fast in all your born days. He’s been a new man ever since! Sexy, I’ll say ... scandalous. All charged up I guess.”

“Thanks a lot, Maudie Bollinger for that great endorsement. And that’s why you folks out there in TV land should call Goodbye Charlie Sparkler right now. You could be revitalizing your man too. Call 1-800-565-0894 -- operators are standing by to take your call.”

The End

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