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I'd Rather Eat Glass


Megan Estey

BILLINGS, an accountant
MADRIGAL, a movie starlet
PAUL, a lumberjack
LAUREN, a waitress
WOMAN, a housewife
TEDDY, an electrical technician
ALICIA, a businesswoman

SCENE: an elevator in an office building

AT RISE: BILLINGS is pushing the button and waiting impatiently for the elevator.

(BILLINGS looks at his watch.)

BILLINGS. I don't have time for this...
(The elevator arrives and he steps inside. BILLINGS
pushes the button for the floor he is going to. He
sighs in frustration when the elevator stops at the
next floor. MADRIGAL enters the elevator. She pushes a
button also.)
Um, ma'am?


BILLINGS. Well, you see, I'm sort of in a hurry...
would you mind waiting until I get off?

MADRIGAL. I beg your pardon, but I have already pushed
the button. I can't stop it now.

BILLINGS. I suppose.


(They turn away from each other. The elevator stops

BILLINGS. No! Isn't there any way to make this thing
skip a floor?
(He jabs at the button.)
I'm terribly late for my meeting already. You

MADRIGAL. No, I don't suppose I do. It is courteous to
wait for other passengers. Besides, the elevator has
already stopped.

(PAUL enters the elevator.)

PAUL. Why, hello there! How are all you folks today?

MADRIGAL. I'm doing splendidly, thank you.

BILLINGS. I'm in a hurry, sir, so if you don't mind...

PAUL. Oh, of course. Sorry to have troubled you.

(They ride a few moments in silence.)

So... where are you folks headed? That is, you two are
married, ain't you?

MADRIGAL. We most certainly are not!

BILLINGS. I don't even know the woman's name!

PAUL. Well, we'd better be making up for lost time
then! I'm Paul, and you are...?

MADRIGAL. Madrigal. Madrigal Benchley. Perhaps you've
heard of me?

PAUL. Why no, I can't say as I have... but I

BILLINGS. Blast it! Does this elevator have to stop at
every floor?

PAUL. And you sir, what's your name?

BILLINGS. My name is Billings...

PAUL. Right then. Mr. Billings, meet Miss Madrigal.
Miss Madrigal, Mr. Billings.

MADRIGAL. Charmed...

(LAUREN enters the elevator.)

PAUL. Hello there, ma'am. I'm Paul, and this is
Madrigal and Billings.

LAUREN. Um, hello...

PAUL. They ain't married, if that's what you're

LAUREN. Well no, actually, I wasn't --

PAUL. 's all right, I made the same mistake myself.
(Pause.) Are you married?

LAUREN. I don't see how --

PAUL. Well, how peculiar! All you lovely people, here
together in this elevator, and not a one of you

BILLINGS. Hold on a minute now. I only said I wasn't
married to her. How do you know I'm not married to
someone else?

PAUL. Well, are you?

BILLINGS. Well... no.

PAUL. Miss Madrigal?


PAUL. Well then. It's all fine, then. 

BILLINGS. Why are you so interested in whether we're
married or not?

PAUL. I just wanted to see if these two lovely young
ladies had been snatched up yet. You? Just curiosity,
I guess.

LAUREN. I hate to interrupt... but why aren't we

MADRIGAL. Did you push the button, darling?

BILLINGS. Of course she did. So did I.

MADRIGAL. Well, there's no need to bite my head off!

PAUL. Hold it, now. Why don't we just try again?
(He pushes the button. Nothing happens.)
BILLINGS. Blast! If this thing doesn't get moving,

I'll completely miss my meeting!
(He begins pounding on the walls.)
Help! Somebody let us out!

LAUREN. Nobody can hear you.

BILLINGS. And you've got a better idea?

PAUL. Goshdarn it, Billings, you've plumb forgot about
the telephone.


PAUL. They always have a telephone in case of an
emergency. Even a country boy like me knows that.

LAUREN. I'm in no hurry to get anywhere. Is it really
an emergency?

BILLINGS. It most certainly is!

MADRIGAL. Well, stop babbling and use the phone!

(BILLINGS picks up the phone.)

BILLINGS. There's no dial tone.

MADRIGAL. The power must have gone out.

LAUREN. I suppose we'll just have to wait.

(PAUL and LAUREN sit.)

PAUL. We might as well get to know each other. It
looks like we might be here for awhile.

BILLINGS. They'll get us any minute.

LAUREN. Relax. You're not going to make your meeting,
so why worry about it?

PAUL. Who wants to go first?

BILLINGS. What is this, kindergarten? "Wait for your
turn." "Share the blocks." "Raise your hand if you
need to go to the bathroom."

LAUREN. Speaking of the bathroom...

=BILLINGS. I don't care if I know anything about you
people. In fact, I already know more than I want to
about you.

-PAUL. Hey now, that isn't very nice.

-MADRIGAL. For goodness' sakes! I'll go first, if it
will make you all happy.

PAUL. Oh yes, ma'am. We'd be delighted.

(MADRIGAL strikes a pose.)

MADRIGAL. It was early on the morning of May
seventeenth, nineteen eighty-three. Dawn was just
breaking. All was quiet until...
(She screams.)
A cry shattered the silence. And into the world came
Madrigal Eloise Benchley!

(PAUL and LAUREN, awestruck, applaud.)

Wait, wait, I'm not finished. Madrigal, known to her
closer friends as Maddy, grew up in an upper class
family. When she was seven years old, she went to see
a play. Immediately she knew her destiny: to be an
actress, a star of stage and screen! Maddy 
worked feverishly to achieve her dream. At last, one day,
she got her big break: a film called The Yellowbird
Gang. After that, she was in constant demand. She is
currently working in a picture called Freda's Riddle.
Ladies and gentlemen -- well, actually, 
"Ladies" should probably be in the singular, but
never mind that -- may I present to you, Miss Madrigal

(MADRIGAL bows. PAUL and LAUREN applaud wildly.)

There. Now you know all about me.

PAUL. Actually, I have a few questions, if you don't

MADRIGAL. Not at all. Go ahead.

PAUL. Well, where are you from?

MADRIGAL. I lived in Versailles, but I currently
reside in Hollywood. After all, the place has made me
a star. 

LAUREN. Versailles... where is that?

BILLINGS. France! It's in France!

MADRIGAL. Yes dear, what Billings said.

PAUL. Kinda peculiar you grew up there, what with the
accent you got.


PAUL. I thought you were English or British or
whatever the term is they use. But I guess I could be
mistaken. I ain't the most worldly of fellows, if you
catch my drift.

LAUREN. No Paul, you're right. Why is that, Madrigal,
that you have a British accent, but you come from

MADRIGAL. Well, uh... um... why, it's because I grew
up in London! Yes! I grew up in London and then I
moved to France. And then I moved here. And please,
call me Maddy.

PAUL. Well, I guess that explains it. Wait, I have one
more question.

PAUL. How old are you?

BILLINGS. If you were a gentleman, you would know that
you never ask a woman her age.

PAUL. I am simply being neighborly. After all, we are
practically neighbors.

BILLINGS. And just what do you mean by that?

LAUREN. He just meant that since we're in such close
quarters, it is kind of like being neighbors.

PAUL. Right.

MADRIGAL. And besides, Mr. Billings, I don't mind at
all. I'm twenty-five.

PAUL. Why ma'am, if I didn't know better I would say
that you weren't but seventeen.

MADRIGAL. What? What are you talking about? Why would
you say that?

PAUL. I was just trying to pay you a compliment!

MADRIGAL. Oh. Right. Well, how flattering! Thank you
very much.

LAUREN. Well, I guess I should go next.

BILLINGS. Why do you think that?

MADRIGAL. I don't see you jumping at the chance to
tell your life story.

BILLINGS. What is there to tell? I'm thirty-eight,
divorced, living in a scummy apartment on the Lower
West Side... who could ask for more?

PAUL. What's your job?

BILLINGS. I'm an accountant.

LAUREN. I thought accountants made a lot of money.

BILLINGS. I make enough to live on reasonably.

MADRIGAL. Then why the scummy apartment?

BILLINGS. Let me repeat. I am divorced. My wife lives
in Chicago with our two teenage daughters. It's a
little thing called "alimony."

LAUREN. I don't see why you have to be so sarcastic
all the time. It isn't our fault the elevator stopped.

PAUL. Lauren, I think you'd better tell us about

LAUREN. Well, I guess there really isn't much. I live
in Boston. I'm a waitress. I deal with perverted old
men trying to look down my blouse and messy three year
old children throwing food down it. Not exactly a
barrel full of monkeys, if you catch my drift.

PAUL. I catch it.


MADRIGAL. Sorry honey, I guess I can't really relate
on this one.

LAUREN. I don't expect you to relate. After all, how
could someone who grew up in... where did you say you
grew up?

MADRIGAL. Austria.

LAUREN. Right... Austria. How could someone who grew
up in Austria know what I'm even talking about?

BILLINGS. Listen, kid, if we ever get out of here I'll
take you to my place and show you what real poverty

MADRIGAL. Give me a break. You're an accountant. She's
a waitress.

PAUL. I think waiting tables is just great. Don't you
listen to what they're saying, sweetheart, there isn't
a more honorable profession in the world.

BILLINGS. Wait a minute, I never said that there was
anything wrong with --

LAUREN. (to PAUL) I know, I know. Thanks. You're a
nice guy.

PAUL. Well, I try my darndest.

BILLINGS. Excuse me. I would love for this to all turn
into a lovely made-for-TV-movie scene, but I really
just want to get out.

MADRIGAL. We all do, Mr. Billings.

BILLINGS. If only the blasted phone was working...

PAUL. It's too bad my wife isn't here.

MADRIGAL. Your wife?

LAUREN. You're married?

PAUL. I sure am!

BILLINGS. Interesting...

LAUREN. You're married?

PAUL. Why yes, honey, I just said that --

LAUREN. I can't believe you're married!

PAUL. My goodness, why not?

LAUREN. Well, you were... um...

PAUL. What is it, sweetheart?

LAUREN. Just that! You've been flirting with me the
whole time we've been in here!

PAUL. Oh, I don't think so. I've just been trying to
be friendly.

LAUREN. But.... but...
(She looks to BILLINGS.)
You heard him. He was flirting, wasn't he?

BILLINGS. I don't think so.

LAUREN. Maddy?

MADRIGAL. I'm sorry, dear, but I think he was just
trying to make you feel welcome. 

PAUL. Gosh, ma'am, I certainly didn't mean to lead you
on or anything like that.

LAUREN. Yeah, well...

PAUL. But what I was saying is that if my wife was
here, we'd all be fine.


PAUL. Why, she's got one of those cell-you-lar phones,
or whatever you call 'em.

BILLINGS. A cell phone! Blast!

LAUREN. I guess that's too bad.

BILLINGS. Wait! What've you got in your bag there,
Miss Benchley?

MADRIGAL. I beg your pardon?

BILLINGS. Give me your bag.
(Puzzled, she gives him her bag. He paws through it
quickly, and comes out holding something.)

PAUL. Why, Miss Madrigal! You've got one too!


BILLINGS. Splendid, isn't it? I'm glad I thought of
it. Now, there must be somebody you can call. Who?

MADRIGAL. I don't know what you're talking about. I
never use the phone except in an emergency.

(Pause. BILLINGS, LAUREN, and PAUL stare at her

Oh. Well, then.

(She takes the phone.)

Who shall I call?

LAUREN. You've got an agent, haven't you?

MADRIGAL. Yes. In fact, I was on my way to see her
right now.

BILLINGS. Call her.

MADRIGAL. But... but what if she's busy?

PAUL. You were on your way to see her?


PAUL. And you certainly haven't arrived yet, so what
could she be doing?


LAUREN. Call her.



LAUREN. Madrigal. Do you want to get out of here or

(She takes the phone.)

What's the number? I'll call, if you can't do it.


(She snatches the phone back.)

Er... I mean, no. I'll do it myself.

(She dials quickly.)

(Lights up on stage R. A table with a telephone on it
is next to an easy chair. The phone rings. A WOMAN in
a bathrobe with curlers in her hair runs in, and
lunges for the phone.)

WOMAN. (out of breath) Grayson residence, Christie

MADRIGAL. Hello, Rita. This is Madrigal. 

WOMAN. Excuse me?

MADRIGAL. Listen, I was on my way to see you... yes,
yes, I know I'm terribly late.

WOMAN. Ma'am, I think you have the wrong --

MADRIGAL. But you see, I was on my way up in the
elevator, and it got stuck!

WOMAN. That's terrible, but you see, my name is
Christie, not --

MADRIGAL. The power seems to be out, Rita. I had to
use my cellular phone. The phone in the elevator isn't

WOMAN. Listen, lady, I don't have time for games like

MADRIGAL. Rita, could you please send somebody down
for this?

WOMAN. If you don't start making sense, I'm going to
hang up. I swear.

MADRIGAL. Perhaps you could have them turn the air
conditioning on, as well. It's getting rather warm.

(The WOMAN hangs up the phone and exits. The lights
remain on.)

MADRIGAL. What's that? I got what? Oh!

(She turns to the others.)

I've gotten a part in a musical!

(To the phone.)

What is it called again? Grease?

(To others.)

Yes. Grease, it's called.

(To phone.)

Yes, Rita, dear, that's just wonderful. Now, remember,
send someone from security down to fix this elevator.
I can't wait to see you either, darling. Kiss-kiss!

(She hangs up the phone. Lights on Stage R slowly fade

It's all set. They'll be here in a few minutes.

BILLINGS. Wonderful.

PAUL. I guess we did just fine without my wife.

LAUREN. Your wife...

(Suddenly, elevator music begins to play.)

MADRIGAL. Lauren, please stop. You need to move on.
The man is married, and you were mistaken.

BILLINGS. Shut up!

MADRIGAL. I beg your pardon!

BILLINGS. I'm sorry. I meant, please be quiet. Listen.

(They listen. Their heads turn up toward the ceiling.)

LAUREN. Music!

MADRIGAL. I believe they call it Muzak.

PAUL. I reckon that means the 'lectricity's back on.

BILLINGS. Exactly. Now we can call someone.

LAUREN. But Madrigal already called her agent. Someone
should be here any minute.

MADRIGAL. Ah... you may want to call someone.

PAUL. Why?

MADRIGAL. Well, what if my call didn't get through?

BILLINGS. You talked to her.

MADRIGAL. That's true. Um... but what if she forgets?
Sometimes she's kind of scatterbrained. You'd better
call her back.

BILLINGS. What's her name? Your agent, I mean.


BILLINGS. Rita what?

MADRIGAL. Um.... Mansfield.

(BILLINGS picks up the elevator phone and listens.
There is obviously a dial tone, because he dials.)

BILLINGS. Hello? Information? Could you give me Rita
Mansfield's office, please? Yes, I'll hold.

PAUL. Tell her we're stuck in this here elevator.

BILLINGS. I'm getting to that. She's put me on hold.

MADRIGAL. Ah, Mr. Billings...

BILLINGS. Yes? I'm still here. What? You don't have a
listing for Rita Mansfield? Oh.

(He looks at MADRIGAL.)

Well then, do you have any listings for movie agents
No? Well, thanks. Goodbye.

(He hangs up.)

LAUREN. What are you doing? You just hung up!

BILLINGS. This building is all computer technician and
window repair offices. I find that interesting. Don't
you, Madrigal?

MADRIGAL. Well, I --

LAUREN. You called information, and you didn't even
tell them that we're trapped in here!

BILLINGS. Why is that, Miss Benchley? Or is that your
real name at all?

PAUL. My goodness, what's this all about?

BILLINGS. Why don't you ask her?

LAUREN. Look. I don't see how you could be stuck in
this elevator and forget to tell the people who are
your only way out that you are in here! Call them
back! I'll call them back myself!

PAUL. Miss Madrigal, what is this all about?


BILLINGS. Out with it.

MADRIGAL. Okay. Fine. You want to know the truth? I'm
not a movie star, or a star at all. I'm seventeen, my
name is Martha, and I live in Hackensack, New Jersey.
My father is a used car salesman and my mother is a
seamstress. I've never been out of the 
country, not even to Canada, and the farthest west I've
ever been is Ohio. The real reason I'm in this
elevator is because my boyfriend works in repair and I
was bringing him his lunch. See?

(She pulls a brown paper bag out of her bag.)

Now he doesn't have any lunch and he's going to be mad
at me. What do you say to that?

PAUL. Gosh, Miss Madrigal. Why on earth did you tell
us such a fib?

MADRIGAL. Well, I... I mean... I guess I was just
trying to see if you would believe me. I... I like to
get dressed up in costumes when I bring Teddy his

LAUREN. Teddy?

MADRIGAL. My boyfriend. Like, yesterday I was a clown.
And the day before I was a ballerina.


MADRIGAL. It's sort of an exercise. To practice my
acting. Because I really do want to be an actress,
that part was true.

PAUL. Well, ma'am, I think you did a mighty fine job.


=PAUL. Certainly. Why, I never would've guessed you
weren't exactly who you pretended to be. Would you?

(He looks meaningfully at BILLINGS and LAUREN. LAUREN
shakes her head obediently, too eagerly; she
obviously had some hint MADRIGAL was not who she
seemed, but she wants her to feel better.)

LAUREN. Definitely not. You played the part

MADRIGAL. Why, thank you.

BILLINGS. You can lose the accent now.

PAUL. Mr. Billings, you seem angry.

BILLINGS. For God's Sakes, man! This woman has lied to
us, played with our minds, faked a phone
conversation... what else could I be feeling?

LAUREN. You could try feeling some compassion! This
poor girl has nothing better to do than to pretend she
has a glamorous lifestyle which she may never know.
Can't you allow her this small pleasure? Is it really
hurting anyone?

MADRIGAL. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk
about me as if I wasn't here.

BILLINGS. It doesn't make any difference! She lied to
us, plain and simple. She told us she was something
she wasn't.

LAUREN. Billings, can I ask you something?

BILLINGS. Obviously nothing is going to stop you.

LAUREN. Why do you care?

BILLINGS. Excuse me?

LAUREN. Why does it bother you so much that a perfect
stranger has told you a lie?

MADRIGAL. You're doing it again.

BILLINGS. Because lying is wrong and she shouldn't
have done it!

MADRIGAL. I'm standing right here!

LAUREN. And when exactly did you become the high
priest of morals?

PAUL. Ah, if I may cut in here...

BILLINGS/LAUREN. No, you can't!

MADRIGAL. All of you! Shut up!

(A stunned silence.)

Thank you. Now, listen to me. First of all, I lied to
you. Deal with it. It was an exercise in acting and I
obviously did a pretty good job if you all believed
me. Second of all, people lie to you all the time, I
bet. In fact, I'm sure of it. You're pretty
 oblivious, no offence. So why did you get so ticked
off when I did it? Don't answer that. It's because I
admitted it. You got mad at me who actually told the
truth, rather than either of these two, who lied to
you and didn't tell you.

PAUL. What exactly are you talking about, ma'am?

MADRIGAL. You're not really married. You're not
wearing a wedding band.

LAUREN. He isn't?

MADRIGAL. And you aren't really from Boston.

LAUREN. Oh? And how is that?

MADRIGAL. What's the name of the major university

LAUREN. Harvard.

MADRIGAL. See? You would have pronounced it "Hahvahd."

BILLINGS. That is all very interesting, ma'am, but I
don't see your point.

MADRIGAL. I think you do.

=LAUREN. (to PAUL) You're not married?

PAUL. Ah...

LAUREN. (to MADRIGAL) He isn't married?

BILLINGS. Now wait a minute. How do we know that you
aren't really some British movie star who's pretending
to be a low-income hick who is pretending to be a
movie star?



BILLINGS. Let me go over it slowly, so you can

LAUREN. No, don't bother. I think it's time we called

MADRIGAL. (worried) What? I mean, what I did wasn't
that serious. You aren't going to report me or
anything, are you? Because, you see, I --

LAUREN. (withering) To get us out.


PAUL. Lovely idea, Miss Lauren, let's do that right

(BILLINGS picks up the phone and dials.)

BILLINGS. Hello? Yes, this is Billings Fairlane. I'm
in the elevator. We're stuck between the...

(He looks at the numbers above the door.)

...the fourth and fifth floors. Yes.


There's four of us. Listen, I have a very important
meeting I'm supposed to be at right now... could you
call up to my office and see if my clients are still
there? Oh, you saw them leave. Well, thank you. Please
send someone as soon as you possibly can.

(He hangs up.)

Well, I hope that you're all quite satisfied. I've
missed my meeting and probably lost the client.

LAUREN. You hope we're happy? What is that supposed to

MADRIGAL. I hope you aren't trying to blame this on

BILLINGS. Of course I'm going to blame this on you!
Who else could I possibly blame?

PAUL. Listen here, all of you. We are going to be out
of here in five minutes. Maybe we could leave this
elevator on friendly terms.

(Full Stage lights up. TEDDY enters Stage L, carrying
a bag of tools. He takes out a hammer and begins
trying to pry the doors open. The passengers are
unaware of his presence.)

LAUREN. Maybe you could just shut your mouth and stop
trying to be so helpful! I've had enough of you and
your little mind games!

(TEDDY pulls out a wedge and puts it in between the
doors. He begins tapping it softly with the hammer,
trying to push the doors apart. The passengers still
don't know he's there.)

PAUL. Miss Lauren, I believe that is uncalled for.

LAUREN. Do you! Would you mind telling me whether
you're actually married or not? I doubt if you
actually know yourself. First you act like you aren't
and you flirt with me, then you say you are and ignore
me, and now she --

(points to MADRIGAL)

-- says you aren't, because you're not wearing a ring. 

PAUL. All right then. I'm not married. Does that
satisfy you?

LAUREN. You know, I don't even care anymore!

(By this point, LAUREN is screaming at him.)

MADRIGAL. Why don't you just calm down, now.

BILLINGS. Don't tell her what to do.

MADRIGAL. I didn't ask for your opinion.

PAUL. You know, I don't see what my marital status has
to do with anything.

(TEDDY finally begins hitting the wedge harder. The
passengers are all yelling at each other and so don't
hear him.)

LAUREN. That is so typical! You lead a woman on, and
don't even know that it matters if you're married or

MADRIGAL. It's just a male thing, dear. They all do

BILLINGS. And when did you become the authority?

MADRIGAL. Stop yelling at me!

PAUL. Why don't both of you stop yelling?

(TEDDY hits his thumb with the hammer.)

TEDDY. Bullfrogs!

(All the passengers are immediately silent. After a
pause, LAUREN speaks quietly.)

LAUREN. Hello? Is someone there?

TEDDY. I'm the technician. I'm here to get you folks
out of the freaking elevator, and if you would stop
yelling it would make my job a lot easier!




MADRIGAL. Teddy, it's me!

TEDDY. Martha?


TEDDY. Marthy, I didn't know you were in there!
Listen, I'm going to go up to the control panel. I
think that if I fiddle around with the power a little,
I can get it going again.

MADRIGAL. Okay, go ahead. (to others) He's going to fix
the power.

BILLINGS. We have ears, you know.

(TEDDY begins to exit. ALICIA enters, wearing a
business suit. She and TEDDY nearly collide.)

ALICIA. Oh, I'm so -- Ted?

TEDDY. Oh... hello.

ALICIA. (affectionately) Don't play that game with me.
Why are you here? Surely it's not to see me.

TEDDY. Actually --

ALICIA. How sweet! I never told you I work here, did
I? How did you find out?

TEDDY. Alicia, I'm not here to see you.

ALICIA. Well, then. What are you doing?

TEDDY. I work here. The elevator is broken and I have
to fix it.

ALICIA. Oh, goodness! Well, I'm certainly glad I took
the stairs this morning. I need to keep my legs in
shape, you know.

TEDDY. Your legs look fine to me.

ALICIA. Oh, you! How many people are inside?

TEDDY. Four, I think.

MADRIGAL. Teddy! Teddy?

ALICIA. Who's that?

TEDDY. Shh! Keep your voice down.

MADRIGAL. (to other passengers) He must have already
gone. It'll only be a few minutes now. 

LAUREN. Maybe we should call someone.

BILLINGS. He said he'd come back, didn't he?

LAUREN. I don't know... I've learned not to trust any

(She looks meaningfully at PAUL.)

...especially if I can't see them.

(TEDDY and ALICIA move farther away from the

ALICIA. Who's that? And why do I have to keep my voice

TEDDY. Ah... it's my sister. And, um, I think it's a
bad idea if she finds out about... us.

ALICIA. Oh, Teddy! Is there really still an us for her
to find out about?

TEDDY. There is if you want there to be.
ALICIA. I do, I do.

(TEDDY leans in and tries to kiss ALICIA, but she
stops him.)

TEDDY. What?

ALICIA. Not here.

BILLINGS. Maybe the two of you could just stop
fighting. Ever think of that? Why don't you just kiss
and make up, or something like that.

LAUREN. I'd rather eat glass.

MADRIGAL. I don't think there's any need to call
someone. He should be coming soon.

LAUREN. How can you be so sure?

PAUL. (to LAUREN) Well, maybe you're right. I think we
should call somebody.

LAUREN. (surprised) Thank you.

MADRIGAL. Teddy said he'd be back, he'll be back.

TEDDY. Why not?

ALICIA. It makes me nervous. My husband was supposed
to come and visit me here... what if he finds out
about... us.

TEDDY. He won't.

ALICIA. But still...

PAUL. Just the same, I think it would be a good idea.

BILLINGS. Well, I am sick of using that blasted phone.
Someone else had better call.

TEDDY. What does your husband look like? Maybe I've
seen him.

ALICIA. (laughing) He's pretty hard to miss.

TEDDY. What do you mean by that?

ALICIA. I told you he's a lumberjack, didn't I?
Picture wool pants, hiking boots, suspenders, and
plaid. Lots of plaid.

(This description matches exactly what PAUL is

MADRIGAL. I'll call.

(She picks up the phone and dials.)

Hello? Could you give me the control room, please?
Thank you.

TEDDY. Why is someone like you with someone like him?

ALICIA. What can I say? College students do crazy
things. So you haven't seen him?

TEDDY. No, I think we're pretty safe.

MADRIGAL. (to phone) Hello, Teddy? Oh, I'm sorry! Who
is this, then? Jared? Well, Jared, could I speak to
Teddy, please?


Oh. Where is he, then? You haven't seen him? Well,
listen, Jared, we're stuck in the elevator still. Is
there anything you can do up there?

LAUREN. (to BILLINGS) I told you. He isn't even up

BILLINGS. Smugness is extremely unappealing in a

PAUL. I beg your pardon sir, but smugness in
unappealing in anyone.

BILLINGS. Thank you for sharing that brilliant theory,

PAUL. Certainly.

ALICIA. I don't know, Teddy. It seems so wrong. Why
don't we wait until we're alone.

TEDDY. We are alone. Just you, me, and a broken

MADRIGAL. (to phone) Oh, really? I wonder why Teddy
didn't tell us that. Let me tell the others. (to other
passengers) He says that if you press down the "door
open" button and the green button, the door should
open now that the power's back.

ALICIA. I suppose so...

TEDDY. Don't be such a chicken. 

BILLINGS. What green button?

MADRIGAL. (to phone) What green button? (to others)
The one beneath the telephone. Right... there. (to
phone) Thanks, Jared. We'll call back if we need help.

ALICIA. I suppose a kiss can't hurt anything.

(ALICIA and TEDDY kiss just as BILLINGS pushes the
buttons and the door opens. All four passengers rush
out. They don't immediately notice ALICIA and TEDDY.)

BILLINGS. Thank God!

MADRIGAL. Lauren, it's so good you --

(She stops. She has spotted ALICIA and TEDDY. ALICIA's back is to them, so PAUL doesn't notice it is her.)


(TEDDY looks up and sees MADRIGAL. ALICIA turns to see
who it is. She sees PAUL.)


(PAUL is stunned, standing there open-mouthed.)

LAUREN. Who is she?

PAUL. My wife!

(Cut lights.) 


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