The Writers Voice
Soldier Through This
november 3, 2002... ..
i'm away from my family, friends, and all whom i grew up and grew to love... this is my life now... i finally have somebody... and this doesn't make me as happy as a thought... it works like a charm everytime... i ask for something... and it comes true... but this is much more serious... i live in new orleans and all my closest contacts are hundreds of miles away... ... i enjoy my life for what it's worth... i'm not livin' under my grandma's rules now... it's just me and my girl... but it's ok all and all... .i work hard and come home... and there's my girl waiting for me... almost anticipating me like the house dog... just sitting wagging it's tail... waiting right at the door when the master comes in... and there she is... i didn't ask for somebody this loyal... just someone who won't sleep with my best friend of 13 years the minute they meet... none the less...
she's got one thing on her mind right now, with the corset we bought a week and a half ago, for her... but it's just that i dont feel like it... ... ..i want to do for her anything and everything... it's almost an obligation or payment for all she does for me... none the less i see disappointment in her eyes, as she sees a "not tonight or at least not at this moment" look in my eyes... to change the subject and hopefully get both our minds off a sour beginning subject, i mention to her a carnival that's in town, and how long it's been since we've gone to one... the last time actually was when i still lived up north and all of us... ..tim, scott, sarah, ben, rachel, julie and i all went on the "tilt-a-whirl" and this was after a case of mgd was polished off by the male in the group... none the less after that hell-ride we knew what each other had for breakfast that night... ahh, memories...
so, no sooner than i mention that to her, than we were off... just like any other carnival they had the typical rides, games, and eateries... i'm shuffling my feet as she is dragging me to the "kamikazee"... ... ... we get to the ride... which honestly looks smaller than it did when i was little... ... and give the carney our tickets... as we strap each other in we wait for all the other riders that want to get on ... while this is going on julie leans over and says she wants me to play with her while the ride is going on... to avoid my story becoming a porn letter... i just honestly say that i couldn't ...
in all honesty, public displays of affection or any form of it, makes me uncomfortable... it's not her... it's not anybody else... i just feel anything past kissing deserves people to stop what they are doing and spy on your sex life... since the last girl i ever shared the way i look at everything in general passed away, my girl has no idea why i chuckled and just shook my head... so i simply stated "look, if you had the day i had, you'd just ask for a friend to be there right now"...
she seemed to understand had the same down trodden look on her as she did when i first stepped into our apartment... as the ride started and then ended... we exited the carnival... which brought us to the local ihop as i looked blankly into her eyes... i knew she had something she wanted to say... ...
i'd like to say since as far back as i can remember, i could read people like open books... and if they were lying to me i could point it out better than the "psychic friends network." but jules was i little more tricky than that... one of the many things we share is the "gift" to know almost exactly what the other is thinking... and as it goes with her and i, we could even tell you what the other is even going to say...
cycling through, "josh, i want the "D and A"report on my desk friday" and what exactly is going through my woman's mind, i start to get a migrane... just then she hands my a bottle of tylenol... i look at her surprisingly, and she gives me a half hearted smile... .just then it hits me, and no sooner does it hit me i blurt, "IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT AT ALL ISN'T IT"... (d'oh)...
a surprised look on her face is washed away by a blush and a subtle cover up... "no, actually for all that i do for you, i just ask for intimacy"... now when i was first introduced to her i knew she was, for purpose of the word without down talking her... ... a "nympho," but it never occurred to me that there are women out there with bigger sex drives than me when i was younger... ... ... ...
so as i think of some sort of retaliation, for her statement, it dawns on me... she's right... .almost every time i come in, i, like clockwork, hang my coat up strip off my time as fast as i can, and sit down to watch reruns of "cheers" which is now my favorite show... but she just sits there with me like a 50's housewife, to coin a phrase "knowing her role"... and now that i noticed it all coming into place... the more and more i promised myself and her that something like that, the same thing that still goes on with mom and dad, was never going to happen to us... but as it did... tears swelled up, as guilt sank in... knowng that this has been happening now for about 6 months... oddly since we came down here... i just almost could smell what was going to happen next... "i'm sorry"... .was all she could say, cause i don't care if you are somebody i can't read hardly on what you're going to say next, i've had the same talk, with all other ex-'s in my life... the bitch cheated on me... but you know what... for once the voice in my head didn't say i'm sorry that it had to happen to ya man... it said you had it coming man... ..
"it was john, my old friend who lives down here... you know ... i told you about him..."... ... just then i took to defense being wrong or not "you also told me to not worry, you saw nothing in him!"... .."i didn't", she snapped back "but you soldier through this without some kind of human contact, and see if you don't fall for the first person that seems compassionate to your plight!"...
a million snide remarks filled my head "what" soldier through... "being dragged away from everyone who meant anything to you to be with someone you think is "the one".. like i did for you?"... but i just couldn't cause i knew she was sorry for it no matter what, and she knew that i knew i was just as guilty as she was for neglect and that i was sorry... so no sooner than that... .she left got up and left... as she passed i heard "i'll meet ya back home tiger" ... and with that i knew everything was going to be one big messed up conflict of morals/friends/maturity/and relationships...
no this fight was far from over... as far from over as any other fight we had in the past that was and still is playing and replaying in the back of my mind, like a matinee for my nostalgic side of me... no this fight will be put on the back burner like all the others cause something like this doesn't just go away... but i know what can help start with the healing process of this hard to hurdle obstacle... it its waiting for me now back home... in the corset we bought a week and a half ago... ..
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