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Jessica Protzman


The other morning

I was watching you

Thinking to myself

About what you think of me

That I wonít make it to college

Everyone has always told me

That I can do whatever

I want with my life

That Iím smart enough

To do anything

But with you itís different

You just sit there and tell me Iím dumb

Even though I wonít show it, it hurts

Someone that I look up to so much

Doesnít think I will make

Anything of myself

Someone that I want to be like

Is meaner to me than

I could ever imagine

Sometimes I just wish

That you could just trust me

Even just a little bit

So that maybe someday

We could actually have a conversation

Or maybe you would actually

Come to me wanting to talk

And maybe I could help you

I know that will probably never happen

And I know that this is

Kind of immature

And I know there is

Nothing that I can do

Other than to just

Keep trying to be your friend

And maybe someday

You will open up to me

Saying how you really feel

that you were wrong for what you said

And maybe you would even

Sit there and watch me one day

And you would think about

What I think of you

Started to cry

I'm sitting here on the deck

Not knowing what to do

My mind is lost

In a maze of emotions

All these emotions are mine

And all are sad and confused

The knife sitting beside me

I hope will be used on my body

My feelings are going everywhere

I'm so confused

Again not knowing what to do

I pick up the knife

And slice my thumb along the side

Throwing it from hand to hand

Thinking about mom and the fight we had

And Matt with his girlfriend

Then about Michael

To try and figure out the problem

I then put the knife down

And once again

I started to cry

Again, I'm Lost

Everything is happening so fast

And I donít know where to turn

My mind is spinning is circles

And my body doesnít know what to do

My brother is gone

And Michael, well I just donít know

All the lectures

All the pain

I sat a minute ago crying

Just bawling without stop

Now I'm sitting here at this damn thing

Again not knowing what to do

I sit and feel all the pain run through my veins

And see all the anger

My body is so confused

And I just donít know what to do

Matt came home today

And just started to bitch at me

I sit there just crying

Taking it, no matter what

While at band camp today

Michael just starred at me

And now I sit here, just crying

Again, not knowing where to turn

I have no idea what to do

No matter what happens I just take it

No matter how much comes my way

I sit in amazement

Again I'm so lost

And everything seems blurry

Thinking about what to do

It just seems not to matter anymore

It will all turn out the same


Right when I started to belong

And I finally found my spot

It always has to end

Right when the fun begins

After I put so much work into this

It all has to go and end

So many tears fell from my eyes

And I met the best people in the world

I grew so much

And thatís awesome

I just realized how much I love this

And how much I really do love you

Every time I walked on that field

I always felt my heart jump

Because I knew, I was at home

And I figured someday I would get it

It sucks that I have to love something

That Iím not any good at

And Iím hard on myself

When I do one little thing wrong

I donít have to worry about it

Because itís all over

I did all that work to just lose another tear form my eye


How can you choose,

What you did?

Alcohol over you own kids,

Why did you do that to me?

I have so much anger.

All toward you.

Youíre the only one not seeing it

Youíre never here.

Vodka isnít going to make everything okay,

Yet you think it is.

Why canít you realize,

Youíre no dad.

I've never done anything like that,

How can you expect me to understand?

You try and tell me that you didnít do anything wrong,

You say that you love me.

I try to make you understand,

That maybe Iím not perfect.

Yes, I make mistakes,

Not as many as you did.

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