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You Left Me Here

by

Heidi Yang

Why did you have to leave?
You left me all alone to fend for myself
I wish it was as simple as a breakup
But itís more than that,
Everyone left in never ending pain
Wish I could say it was your choice
That someone made it for you
But does God actually count as person?
If God is so compassionate then why did he take you from me?
Why did he give this disease that attacked your body until you couldnít fight it anymore?
Iíve found someone else by now
But is six months really enough time?
The truth is no time is enough time, because my world is empty without you here
Your parents still fight, they threatened to get a divorce
I told my best girl friend, she told me people often have marriage troubles after a child dies,
Your dad was wrong, you shouldnít have had to deal with this while fighting for your own life
he should never have hurt his family like that
You were sick
He refused to transfer his job so he could get a promotion
He never took care of you,
It was your mom that did everything for you because you couldnít
She made sure you got your meds and what little exercise you could
She was there for both of us when things got really bad
She was just as upset as I was when I came over to see you for the last time
Youíve left me for good and all Iím left is a jerk for a boyfriend who will never measure up to you
No one ever will,
I wonder if heís jealous of you
I try to think heís not that shallow
He says he doesnít care
He only brings it up because I donít realize that I compare him to you
Why does he bring up in the first place if he truly doesnít care?
I donít bring up the fact that his own mom survived cancer
His mom didnít want anyone outside the family to know
Thatís fine,
How can you be jealous of someone who never got the chance to be bad, or imperfect or a jerk?
They say at least we had a year, that we only had good memories
They are wrong
They werenít there when we were both ready to cry when you had to leave for Rochester for three months and again when you left for the last time
They donít know the pain of losing someone they loved,
We didnít have a year, they donít know that you couldnít hold out to our Ďrealí anniversary even though I know you wouldíve wanted to
Now Iím stuck with a present and no one to give it to
I canít give it to him because heís not you, he wouldnít appreciate it
At least now thereís a date
Set for your funeral
To say good-bye for good
How can I possibly stand the waiting?
People are surprised when I tell them when it is
May 12th, your birthday
As if itís some shock,
Only those friends who understand me know why it was set so far in advance
Some ask if you were cremated
Of course you were
You left not only me behind, but your parents, your brother who was your best friend, your two sisters, one who has a husband and two twin girls who just celebrated their second birthday
and a foster brother, also married
At least you didnít suffer when you died, not as much as I imagined in my head
But I never really got to say good-bye
It was too sudden,
When your mom called I knew something was wrong
I was so afraid that my intuition was right
That you were gone,
I was right, you died that afternoon, your dad got there just in time
They tranquilized your mom,
She thinks your dad should have been the one who was drugged not her
At least she dealt with it
He never did, (which is understandable)
Anyone who would emotionally abuse their wife at such time in their life deserves a good beating in my opinion
Even my dad and step mom who didnít know you so well say he should at least apologize
He never has
Now everythingís a mess
I donít want to hurt anyone else, but I canít help it
Too many people know who you were and how much I loved you
I still do
I will always love you
Yet not enough people know your story
I will not rest until they do
You couldíve have been someone even more special than you were
But God never gave you that chance,
Was it supposed to be that way?
I often wonder about my own destiny
What would I do if I was suddenly in your shoes?

12/26/05

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