The Writers Voice
I had a vision last night of you and me. I only wish I could say it was a good one. But sadly it wasn’t. In fact it was quite terrible. All I could think of in my mind when I saw you lying there was how awful I felt. I cried because of what happened to you. I ended up dead because of you. Why did this have to happen to me? I’m only a seventeen-year-old girl, my life was hard enough. It kept nagging at my consciousness yesterday but I pushed it away. I didn’t want to delve deeper into the red car with the still shadow in it.
The vision didn’t start out so bad. At first you were laughing and smiling, then you went to sleep. I slept near you not knowing the horrors that awaited in the morning hours. I didn’t know I would wake up but you wouldn’t. I didn’t know I would end up dead because of your death. I only wish I had.
When I woke the next morning I stretched and went to wake you. You didn’t move from your spot on the red car seat. I shook you harder I spoke louder, “Zac wake up.” But again there was no response. I became afraid, why weren’t you moving? I started to cry, tried again to make you wake up. But it was no use.
I panicked and screamed at you, “Wake up! Please Zac wake up!” Then I realized you were dead. I started to cry even harder and despite my newfound knowledge I pleaded that you would wake up. I kept talking to you as if you were still alive. I kept thinking it wasn’t fair. You were my best friend, why did you have to die? I didn’t understand why God had played such a cruel trick on me. What had I done to deserve this? What did you do to make this happen? Did you even do anything?
I sat there wishing I knew how you died. I’d stopped crying but I wished I was dead. How was I supposed to live my life without you? I once said you were my guardian angel. An ordinary teenage boy with light-brown hair and blue-green eyes, you were my guardian angel. How could I believe in angels if you were gone?
Suddenly I spied a gun that had fallen out of your pocket. I took it in my pale hands and shot myself in the head. Now I was dead too. I didn’t have to live my life without you. But I didn’t consider the friends I’d left behind.
* * *
The same vision haunted me but it was different. You had died and I was talking to my friend Dana. She turned to talk to someone else. I saw the gun I had hurled out the window of the bright red car earlier. I had wanted to get rid of the temptation to kill myself. But that didn’t matter right then. I picked up the gun and shot myself in the head twice. Once again I was dead, but my friend had seen me die. She didn’t understand why I did this.
“Why did she have to die?” Dana asked my other friend. My friend didn’t reply; she just stared at my lifeless body.
* * *
An angel stood on the edge of a cloud in heaven. He mourned the loss of the person he was supposed to protect. Why did she do that? He knew that there was no hope of her joining him in heaven. At least not in her own body. He shook his head then descended to earth. He picked up my body and disappeared, leaving only a white rose with a cursive Z on it.
My friend Dana had returned to show the others where I had lain. She was shocked to see that I was gone.
“Where did she go?” she asked, confused. “She was right here.” She bent down to pick up the flower. “Hey what do you think this says?” Dana asked, turning to one of her friends.
“It looks like a cursive Z to me,” her friend said with a shrug.
“But why would someone leave a white rose with a cursive Z on it here?” Dana asked, puzzled.
“I don’t know,” her friend said, shrugging again.
Dana stared at the spot where I had been. She shook her head, then she turned and left the empty field.
The field that was in the middle of nowhere. High above that field an angel stared at his friend’s body. What could he take to remember her by? He saw the necklace I had around my neck. He snatched the silver necklace before anyone noticed it was gone. It was rather unique. A slightly long diamond-shaped crystal hung from the silver chain. Silver-colored rings encircled the diamond-shaped end and the top of the necklace. An amber-like substance filled the bottom half. One strand stood alone, darker than the rest.
Zac stared at the necklace for a minute, transfixed. He slipped it into his pocket as God approached him to take his friend’s body. He watched with sad eyes, knowing he would never see me again.
I found myself standing on a cloud. “Where am I?” I asked the man sitting in front me.
“You are dead and you are in heaven,” God replied calmly.
“Oh,” I said quietly. I noticed my necklace was gone. “My necklace, it’s gone, where is it?”
“I don’t know,” God replied thoughtfully, “Someone must’ve taken it.”
I fell silent again. Suddenly God said, “You won’t stay in your physical body, you will only have a spirit.”
“I will?” I asked, somewhat puzzled.
“Yes, you weren’t supposed to die this way, therefore you don’t get to stay in your own body.” I didn’t respond. I realized that it wasn’t a good idea to die this way. I realized one gunshot too late that I’d made a mistake.
* * *
“Zac did you see a necklace anywhere?” God asked the young angel.
“No I haven’t,” Zac replied swiftly.
“You didn’t pick one up, you didn’t see anyone who had one on?” God asked, frowning.
“No,” Zac said quietly.
“All right then,” God said shaking his head as he walked off.
Zac breathed a sigh of relief. He dusted the silver sparkles from his hands. They seem to have come from the necklace. He took it out again and looked at it. It was the only memory he had of me. The only connection to a good friend.
* * *
The vision faded slowly. I opened my eyes for a moment, wondering what it had meant. I was scared.
It had felt so real; the field, the car, Zac's death, the sound of the gun as I pulled the trigger. Why did it all feel so real? What did it mean? Did it even mean anything? I didn’t know. I fell back to sleep only to find the vision at the forefront of my mind.
* * *
Thursday came all too soon and the vision still hadn’t left my mind. If it did it was only briefly. I wished I knew what it meant. I didn’t want you to die, but I kept thinking that’s not what it meant. I didn’t want to die either, especially not that way. I’d already been down that road. I’d spent a good part of my morning and afternoon trying to rid my mind of that terrible image.
I managed to get through summer school math without thinking about it too much; except that I had put my necklace in my pocket. I found myself looking at my hands to see if there was anything left behind. No, nothing there. But it was just like the vision. Just like when Zac took my necklace and put in his pocket.
I spent my afternoon with my horses and walked in the yard. I glanced up at the blue sky and wondered if God could hear me asking for help. I wasn’t even that religious. But something made me ask for help. I felt so incredibly desperate sitting on the back step of my house. I didn’t know what that vision meant. I wanted to know but couldn’t find an answer. I’d had dreams like this but they didn’t worry me that much.
Why me? What was I supposed to do now that I’d seen such a thing? Who did I tell? Did I dare tell anyone? I eventually decided to tell two of my friends. They were always good at giving advice. I felt like I could tell them anything and they wouldn’t tell anyone. I sent them an e-mail telling them what happened and asked for advice. They were the only ones who know everything. They would probably be the only ones who knew. Of course if I told you then everyone would know. Well, perhaps not everyone. Alas, I was all alone in my world and I was stuck with a vision that had no meaning.
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