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Rantings, Ravings, and Religion
by
Heidi Yang
Mad, angry, sad, scared, depressed, unhappy, worried, soul, friends, friends falling away, friends who don’t care. Friends who care, friends who care about me so much they would die for me if they had to. The same friends who would die for me are the ones who will soon leave me.
Why? Why does this have to happen? What did I do to deserve this? In my mind I didn’t do anything. Did I? Tell me God, when did I betray one of my loyal friends? When did I hurt them? Zac would be the exception obviously. What made them become so immature? What the h**l made You deal me this terrible hand? Or I am making this into too big of a deal? Probably the latter. I always do.
But tell me, if it’s not such a big deal, then why do I let it tear me apart? Why do I even care? What makes me think the same people who would die for me wouldn’t care if I wanted to do the same? Except that I don’t care about them as much, I just want to die. No! I can’t do that! What the h**l is wrong with me? Doesn’t the devil know how close I came to doing that last year? The bad thing is, the sad thing is, the devil does know. But so do You.
God, why do people pray to You? Why do they think You will make everything better? What makes them and me think you will hear me at all? What the h**l made me believe in angels? Why did you send me an angel only to take him away from me? Why did you send me an angel only to take him away when I need him the most?
D*** you God. D*** you to h**l. I don’t care what religious rule I’m breaking by saying that. I don’t care if I know my friends do actually care about me. I don’t care if they do think something’s wrong with me tomorrow. I know they will think it’s all their fault. Let them think that. Let them worry, let them care about me. Because until I see proof now I don’t think I’ll be able to go on. I won’t try to end my life again. But if my predictions don’t come true; I will hate You forever. Do you hear me God?! I will hate you forever. I’m serious about that.
Do you even care? Way up there in your big cloud chair? What the h**l makes you so great? Tell me God why did you send Jesus (your only son might I remind you) to the desperate people of Old only to have him crucified? Why didn’t you come down from your home in the clouds to teach the people what you knew? Why didn’t they crucify you? Why is it that I’m beginning to see why I was such an atheist?
Why didn’t the people repent for the sins they committed against you? I don’t care about the bible or Christianity. Why didn’t they hurt you? Why didn’t they curse you when they hated their religion? Perhaps they did. Tell me God do you know why people hate you so today? Do you know why the same people who worshiped you cursed you so? Do you even care that your faithful subjects hate or hated you? Do you?! Why am I talking to the air?! Why do I feel as if I'm talking to nothing? Why do I feel like all this writing is a waste of my time?
What the h**l is wrong with you God? Why don’t you answer me? Sure, send your angels and your angels in disguise to give me the message. Do me a favor God, come down to earth yourself. Come down to Earth and see just what your beautiful creation has become. Come down and see for yourself the suffering your people are in. You say the Devil created disease, then why is there a disease that makes people suffer so much longer then they have to? You say they can say good-bye to their loved ones and they will be at peace. I say you are wrong. I say You made my Grandma suffer needlessly. Not the Devil.
You think you are so holy. You say your followers and the religion you created are so strong. Come down to Earth and see for yourself. You will not like what you see. Your faithful followers have sinned, but they do not repent. Your supposed glorious religion has caused protests, riots, debates, and discussion. You tell me that’s good. I just laugh. Your religion has caused people to die. Your disciples died for you, they were murdered, beheaded, burned and strangled. All in the name of the God they said. We will not desert You.
Tell me God what the h**l did they die for? What would have happened if they had said this instead? Instead of being faithful what if they said No please, I love God but I love my life just as much please spare me in the name of God spare me my life good sir. Tell me what would’ve happened to your religion then? What would have become of the beliefs, the very foundation of Christianity? Do You even care? Do You even know? I don’t think You do.
Admit it, You the Almighty God can’t even solve His own problems. I know, I’m being incredibly harsh. And for all this and what I might say I’m sorry. I truly am. But tell me, why don’t you come down and see what has become of the world you supposedly created in seven days? What has become of the Adams and Eves of my generation. You say the Devil created all things evil or at least something similar. Then tell me, why do people who get AIDS, cancer, any terminal illness, why do the people feel the need to bless them? You say they need to be saved? What if when they were young they were saved? What if they were baptized? Does this mean the first time didn’t count or something?
Tell me God, do you even hear me? Tell me about the Devil God. Tell me did he create the terrible things an average teen goes through? Did he send me Autumn, or did You? Did the Devil make Katie run off or did You? Did my friend get scared because of the Devil in me, or was it You that made him so scared? Do you even know? Do you even want to know? Did the Devil create the eating disorders, the unexpected births, the mental illnesses, physical handicaps, the list goes on and on God. Did you know that if I listed every single terrible thing we go through it would be endless? You answer me, you say the Devil nor God created those things.
You say Man created all these things. You say that’s why Man repents when he sins. Tell me God what about the children born with a physical handicap, a mental illness, what about the things that are literally beyond Man’s control? Tell me, did man somehow foul those things up too? Did that baby girl or boy have a choice? No. They didn’t. Man may have lit that cigarette that harmed the innocent child, man may have inherited the bad gene, etc etc. But if that’s true, then why do the perfectly healthy babies end up being sinners? What about the ones that end up being serial killers? Tell me God if it was Man or the Devil that made this world so evil then what the heck makes a person like me think they can change the frikkin’ world?
What the h**l is it that makes you so special? Why is it that so many people think You can do no wrong? Why did You send someone else to die for You? If Man came from Adam and Woman from Eve; then why did the scientist find bones that look so similar to ours? I don’t understand why I ever became such a believer.
What the h**l made me think You were the one who heard my prayers? Why did I think it was You I heard that fateful Friday night? Your followers and faithful subjects will say it probably was You. But tell me God, what if wasn’t? What then? I found a most interesting definition in the dictionary this afternoon. Under angel it said: a person that is kind and lovable. But that includes almost everyone in this whole world, how can that possibly be? And if that’s true then what’s the point of believing in angels anymore? Tell me God, why I should care anymore? Why should I still believe there’s such a thing as angels?
Am I just disillusioned and frustrated? Or am I right? Is it a little bit of both? What the heck made me write this in the first place? I know why. I’m slowing falling apart. I’ve heard that at my age we question our religion. But tell me God, am I just questioning my beliefs, or am I just slamming them? Who knows, maybe a bit of both. But then again, maybe I’m just being me. Maybe this is part of the snap I said I would never have.
Tell me God, who decided that You could do no wrong? Was it the disciples, your religious followers, your son? Was it me? No. It was most certainly not me. Who made you the invincible king? Who suddenly decided You had no faults? Who says that ignorance is bliss? At least when it comes to religion. Tell me God, what would You do if You could come down to Earth? Even if it was just for a day? How would you feel? Sad, angry, ashamed, hurt, wonderment... what would You say? Would you disguise yourself? Would your believers and fellow Christians know it was You?
Tell me God, in this world of scandals, Devils, and Man, what is your position on War? Tell me God, is it Man’s fault that we end up killing thousands of innocent people? What did the Japanese civilians ever do to us? What did they ever do to You? If Man is so stupid, if Man is the cause of so much evil and what we did in Japan was truly wrong, why didn’t You stop them? Why didn’t you at least warn those people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki? What? You didn’t know? Tell me God, where have you been? Tell me God, if you could visit Earth for one day, what would you do, what would You say? Tell me God, what would you change?
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