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Harley, Aggie and
"You remember how it used to be with us,
Aggie, don't you? One look, one special look and we'd know what each of us
wanted - what to do next. How easy it was for us." I reached over and took her
hand. "We'd roll over, take a breath and be ready to go. That's how it used to
be with the bitch and me. Back then I could write a book in one sentence... I
can't put together a coherent sentence any more."
She lay back and looked at the sky. Her voice was low. "I loved you then,
Harley, and I love you now. Relax. We've got two weeks ahead of us. There's
plenty of time."
It was my second paid vacation this summer. It was easier for Harpers to get me
out of their hair, even pay me if they had to. It was harder for them to look me
in the eye and tell me I wasn't getting the book done.
We can't complain about the weather though. This time of year up here in the
mountains it's so quiet, the kids are back to school, half the bungalows on this
side of the lake are empty and I can sit out here on the porch all afternoon and
write 'til my fingers are stiff. The way they used to be -- there was no
stopping me then -- I'd take a deep breath and my fingers would try to catch up
with the words in my head. Aggie would come out and say, "Give it a rest,
Harley. You'll wear yourself out!"
I look over at her now. I've been a strain on her lately and I hate myself for
it, but most of all I hate the bitch for walking out on me. It's been harder for
Aggie than it's been for me. There's a fine network of lines around her eyes --
I'm so sorry -- I reach for her hand.
"Want to go some place for supper, Aggie?"
She turns her head toward me -- "If you want to, Harley."
"I thought maybe you'd like to, that's all."
"We have fresh corn from the farm. You could do a steak. Steak -- corn -- and
I'll make a nice salad. How does that sound?"
She wants to eat here, just the two of us. We're going back to the city in two
weeks and she wants us to be together as long as possible. I do too. Once we get
back to the city it will start all over again.
So I shuck the corn and leave the green leaves out back for the raccoons, then I
start up the barbecue. It's windy and the coals catch quickly. I see a hawk
eying me from a crotch in a tree downwind of the smoke, I know what's on his
mind. If I were to go inside for a moment the steaks would be gone when I came
back. He keeps moving from one tree to another -- I've learned his technique
over the summer -- he will change position while my attention is occupied
elsewhere and I'll lose track of him. Out of sight, out of mind -- my guard will
go down and if I'm careless there will be a rush of air and a beating of wings,
and our supper will be gone. He knows I'm watching him and he's infuriated
because I keep my body between him and the steaks. Once they're on the fire, he
loses interest -- he is not a gourmet, he likes his meat raw.
"The steaks are just right, Harley. You could make a living cooking steaks."
"Probably a better living than I make as a writer."
"That's not what I meant -- you know that. You're a renaissance man, you do
everything well. Like the wine, only a renaissance man would think of a
Montrechat with barbecued steak."
"It's all we had left." I take the remains of our dinner and scatter it on the
shore of the lake. They will be gone before dark. If the hawk doesn't get them
the raccoons will. I'm afraid we have brought the curse of civilization here and
I wonder what these creatures will eat after we've gone.
I've put it off as long as I can. It's time to see if it's going to be one of
those bad nights again. I sit down in the spare room and go over my notes, then
I read what I wrote yesterday -- it's too precious, there's too much lace work.
The orchestration smothers the melody, and the setting outshines the stone...
there, I'm doing it again! But it says what it says, and who knows -- maybe it's
best to say it that way. I turn around to see if the bitch is there -- she is --
for a while at least. She tells me to keep going, she'll stay here until I run
I close my eyes to see the men again. It's late summer, and the road is dusty
and dry. The leaves are starting to fall and the men are marching uphill and
into the wind. They're marching in cadence and the gray-brown Italian dust
trails after them. I hear the metallic jingle of equipment, occasional coarse
laughter and the creaking of leather. That's where I left the story yesterday,
bitch -- where do I go from here?
"What lies ahead of them? What do they see?"
Ahead of them lies the wooden bridge and beyond that, the green foothills north
of Rome and the distant naked spine of the sierra. Anyone can see the battle
will be fought up there, somewhere between the foothills and the mountains. The
enemy holds the high ground and he will call the shots. There is the tired sound
of groaning when the men see the hills ahead of them. They've been dragging the
caisson and the howitzers behind them all day. Surely the major will let them
rest when they cross the bridge.
Major Joplin turns and marches backward facing the men. "Company! ... rout step
- MARCH!" Immediately the men break into a walk to interrupt their rhythmic
cadence on the bridge. Some of them unsling their rifles to ease their shoulders
and they look longingly at the cool grassy bank on the far side for a likely
spot to spend the night. The picture is so clear to me. It is as though I am
with them again. So far, so good, bitch -- stay with me an hour longer!
I go back inside to check on Aggie. She's reading in bed and listening to the
tape machine with her earphones on. This wonderful woman! So patient, so
deserving of a better man.
"I'm fine, dear. How's it going?" She asks the question tentatively, as though
fearing a negative response.
"So far, so good. The bitch is still with me. I'm going to give it another hour
"Fall out! Stack arms! Smoke 'em if y'got em'!" They sit at the edge of the
river, don't they, bitch? Some of the men take off their shoes and cool their
feet in the swift running stream -- upriver some of the men gently ease their
canteens into the water to fill them. The light is fading and the cook starts
the Coleman for coffee. Major Joplin walks along the bank of the river and talks
to his men in groups of two and three, like Henry the fifth before Agincourt.
They're done in. He can see that. He calls the captain aside to tell him they'll
bed down here for the night and go on to the railroad spur in the morning. The
captain doesn't like it -- it doesn't sound good to him. He doesn't know why he
doesn't like it, but he questions the wisdom of crossing the bridge if only to
pitch camp on the other side -- with the river behind them.
He is about to voice his objection in a respectful manner when the yellow
flashes of gunfire erupt from the foothills ahead of them -- the sound is like
firecrackers, isn't it bitch? Something like the string of one-inchers we used
to throw at passing cars on the Fourth of July -- then comes the "cr-r-ummp" of
mortars and the sharp "blatt-blatt" of field artillery. Flares burst overhead
and the frightened soldiers mill about in the glare looking for their shoes and
socks. The captain shouts into the bewildered face of the major, "You never
fight a battle with a river behind you -- you -- fucking dunce, you!" Above the
roar of the shelling he shouts to his disorganized men, "Get back across the
bridge!! Leave everything -- run for the bridge!!"
How many men did we leave on that grassy bank, bitch? About a third of them,
right? Almost 80 men -- dead and dying barefoot men. Then the gun fire followed
us back across the bridge, moving with us as we ran, and looking back we could
see what looked like piles of clothing left behind in the fading light. Some of
it moved, some of it did not. Then, finally, there was the God-awful sound of
men crying in pain, fear and frustration. In the bloody game of war, crying is
the saddest sound of all.
"Wasn't that the way it was, bitch? That's the way I remember it. What do I do
now? Where do I go from here -- where am I? Bitch -- don't leave me here alone!!
Where the hell are you when I need you?"
I know she's left me, but I turn around to make sure. She's through with me for
the evening. Where does she go when she's done with me? I'd like to ask her how
the story's going, but she keeps her opinions to herself -- no feedback. You
never know until the rejections come back. It's too late then -- you sit and
wonder -- "Maybe if I'd done it this way. That way. Maybe. Maybe."
Well that's enough for tonight, war is hell sure enough. There is no reason for
the butchery of war -- the impersonal slaughter of stockyard cattle. But writing
about war is worse than hell. It brings it all back to you -- if you've lived
it. I pull the cover over the typewriter and turn out the light -- it's been a
warm day for September, but there's a chill this evening. Down at the edge of
the lake I can see a deer drinking. The moon is rising and across the face of it
I see an endless line of geese. No wonder Aggie loves it here. She would be
happy to stay on the shore of this lake through the winter -- with the moose and
the bears, sleighing into town once a week for the mail and the papers. She's a
country girl at heart, and constant as the tick of time. Not like the bitch!
Painted smile -- she'll drop you like a hot potato the minute you lose the knack
I remember the first book, the novel. "A new voice!" -- "A rich promise for the
future." -- "An astounding achievement for one so young." -- "A depth of
understanding and an economy of language recalling the best of Hemingway and
Faulkner." How easy it is to remember the praise. No thought, regardless of its
complexity was beyond my power to put into words. The bitch hung on my arm like
a hooker and she'd laugh and cry at everything I said.
The second book went slower, so slow in fact that I started the third before I
finished the second. Then I caught the bitch blowing on some other guy's dice.
"Aggie, you're still awake."
"I wanted to finish this. I hate taking half-read books back to the city. Are
you okay?" That's the gentle way she has of asking me how the writing went.
"Got through the battle, Aggie. That's the easy part. The hard part is what to
do with the losers. The bitch will help me. She knows all about losers."
I wash up quickly and get into the striped nightgown Aggie bought for me in
town. The bed is cold on my side and I grunge close to her to share some of her
warmth. We huddle together and watch the September moon climb higher. The trees
are thinner now and the light in the bedroom is nearly as bright as day.
"Here," she says, "put these on." She opens the drawer of the bedside table and
pulls out a pair of eyeshades.
We sleep so well together -- like two spoons in the silver drawer, or as close
as pages in a book (There I go with the lace work again!). We breathe at the
same time and turn at the same time. I've often wondered how Siamese twins must
sleep and I'm sure they sleep no closer than Aggie and me. There is one major
difference, she wakes earlier than I do, and this morning is no exception.
"Harley, do you know what time it is?"
"2 a.m. Go back to sleep it's pitch dark."
"Take off your eyeshades. The sun is up bright and clear. It's 7:30."
"I don't have eyeshades on."
"You do. You look like you're playing pin the tail on the donkey."
I push the eyeshades up, the sunlight is bouncing off the rippling surface of
the lake and the ceiling quivers like yellow fire. The birds are making the most
God awful racket. I let one arm creep out from under the covers to test the
"It must be forty degrees in here! We'll die if we get out of bed!"
Without a word of warning, she gets up, pulls the covers off me and runs into
the bathroom. There is nothing for it but to start the day. I find my slippers
and the leather coat I wear outdoors. I can see my breath as I head for the
kitchen where I turn on all four gas jets and the oven. Aggie enters fully
dressed wanting to know where her breakfast is, and like everything else, we do
"I'll finish the book by the end of the week, Aggie."
"Then it's back to the city, I guess. A final draft on the word processor and
over to Harpers -- it's called 'The Bridge' by the way. We should really begin
calling it by its Christian name. It'll be the fourth, Aggie, God be with us."
As though by magic, the toast popped up and the water kettle whistled. We both
"You've got no reason to worry. You sent the first six chapters to Harpers two
months ago -- they loved it. didn't they?"
"You can't be too careful, Aggie. When a publisher says he loves the beginning
it means he expects the ending will be an improvement."
By Friday night the first full draft was done. There was a lot of "xxxx's" and
stuck on paragraphs, but all the words were there. With the bitch's help, I got
myself through the court martial, the 'old-boy' cover up of Major Joplin and his
final suicide in the Commissioned Officer's barracks in Naples. Everything was
in its place -- neat and tidy.
Aggie packed all week. We stuffed all the left-over staples in plastic bags and
stored them in the cupboards for the October hunters. The leftover edibles were
spread around outside for our four legged friends. By Saturday morning there was
nothing to do but go.
It is a gray day, a good kind of day to be leaving a place you remember with
affection. It occurs to me as I back out of the driveway that I haven't left
this bungalow in a month. Aggie's been running in and out of town for food and
mail, and as we roll through its quiet main street I can't remember having been
here since we arrived.
"I'm ashamed to say it, Aggie -- but I feel like a stranger here. Is that the
"Yes -- it's the Town Hall too. Over there is Peavey's hardware where I got the
mouse traps, and we're passing Oldheimer's General Store." She rolls her window
down and shouts, "Morning Lennie!"
She turns to me, "Lennie's the only plumber in town -- he's the one who snaked
out our john." She rolls the window back up again. "I like it here, Harley, it's
the first time I've felt at home in a place since we've been married." She looks
away quickly... "I could live here. Know what I mean?"
"Tell you what, Aggie. If "The Bridge" works out, there's no reason we can't
find a place up here." The promise sounds hollow to me and I wonder if Aggie
thinks so too.
"You want me to be honest with you, Harley?"
She settles herself diagonally between the back of the seat and the door so she
can see my expression as she talks.
"You're not a great writer, Harley. You know that don't you?"
"Don't get me wrong, you're good -- sometimes you're very good, but you're not a
great writer. There's only a handful of great writers, aren't there Harley. "The
Bridge" will put us on easy street for a while and it'll make a bundle for
Harpers. But you're going to have to be there to make it happen. If you were a
great writer you could write anywhere in the world. The world would find you
wherever you were."
"You're telling me something I already know, Aggie. I'm not that great. I'm as
good as I'll ever be, but not as good as that -- I'm not as good as I would like
"I love you, Harley. I love you as a husband. You're the only husband I will
ever have -- the only one I will ever want, but I know your limitations just as
I know my own." She turns in her seat to face forward, "I wonder... "
"What do you wonder, Aggie?"
"If it was the other way around, I mean." She takes a deep breath and seems to
be searching for the right words. "I've always had to share you with that bitch
of yours, you know?"
"Not really, Aggie."
"Oh yes! Maybe she's only in your head -- but when she's with you, I have to
wait. I have to wait until she's through with you." She looks down at the map
folded in her lap. "You stay on this road 'til exit 32, then it's a clear shot
"What did you mean about the other way around?"
"Oh, nothing. It just came to me how you might feel if I was the one with the
talent, that's all. How would it be for you, Harley -- suppose I had a bastard
instead of you having a bitch -- suppose you had to wait in bed until he was
done with me? She reaches over and touches the side of my face -- "You didn't
shave, did you?"
"That's the thing that hurts most, Harley. The bitch doesn't care, but I do."
©Harry Buschman 2000
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