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Preparing For The Apocalypse

Winter Wonderland It Ain't


Greg Blackburn

The Farmer's Almanac is apparently predicting 70 inches of snow for the month of February. This would then indicate that certain preparation would be necessary for one's life to continue on in the normal vein.

1. Dog Food/Cat Food: Hey, there is no sense in letting your furry friends starve to death just because you can't get out to the store. I mean, you could slaughter your youngest child and him/her into kibble, but that would get rather messy, and authorities would probably be prone to ask questions. What! You think you should feed your dog to the child?! What kind of cruel person are you, anyway?

2. Potatoes: This staple food never really just gets black and squishy in places. Just cut off the bad part with your survival knife (see #6) and chow down. Even if you eat them all, you can hook them up to those clocks which run off of potatoes or even watch them sprout new growth without the use of soil. You have to admire anything with such a strong survival instinct.

3. Spam: Another food that never really spoils...heck, NEVER spoils, Spam is tasty, salty, and it has its own key. Never doubt that a food with its own key will be useful when tragedy strikes.

4. Liquid: If you eat Spam, you'll need it. I recommend Dr. Pepper, but anything that is not milk will do. Milk and Spam....shudder.

5. Pepto-Bismol/Tums/Rolaids: Hey, you'll be eating nothing but Spam and potatoes for months. Need I say more?

6. Survival Knife: Useful for any purpose, the survival knife (so named for its propensity to help one survive) can be used anywhere from peeling potatoes or opening broken cans of Spam. It may also be used to fend off wandering children who try to eat your dog.

7. A barrel of freeze-dried apricots: The process of freeze-drying ensures that food will stay fresh without the use of refrigeration for decades at a time. The apricot is simply a common food stored in this manner.

8. Radio and Batteries: With these you can listen to dead air, since all the radio operators are snowed in just like you.

9. Surgical kit: After you run out of Spam, Potatoes, Apricots, and children, you can harvest you own (non-essential) organs for your supper. Mmmmmmm, mmmmm good.

10. Greg Blackburn's Genuine, Guaranteed Fresh, Canned Air: You know, with all that snow, air might get pretty scarce in these parts. You can keep this disaster from striking you with a large order of Greg Blackburn's Genuine, Guaranteed Fresh, Canned Air. Orders may be placed in Room 125, Terrantine's Home For The Medically Advanced. This week only, we have a clearance special: Three cans for $7. Enjoy and remember, take small breaths!

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