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If God Didn't Mean...
By
Gary Gordon
If God didn’t mean for us to eat animals...
Then how come he made ‘em outta MEAT?
There’s a question the vegans don’t have an answer for!
Now, don’t get me wrong - I think everyone should be able to eat whatever makes him or her happy. Go ahead and eat rabbit food if it puts a little hop
in your step... but I won’t complain about a little hare in MY food. I’ll
be having the Bunny Flambé on a bed of shredded lettuce, thank you.
Besides, plants are living things too. Just because you can’t hear a carrot let loose an agonized shriek as you pull it from the comforting embrace of
it’s earthen shroud.. ..it doesn’t mean that it’s any less 'dead' than the
cow that gave up it’s life so I could have a friggin’ burger.
I sat in a restaurant a few nights ago and listened to a young girl describe the "horrors" of how animals are 'cruelly slaughtered just so flesh-eaters
can have a steak.'
To hear her tell it... they got a bunch of cows together, broke out the automatic weapons, and started shooting... laughing maniacally while the
gunfire rattled like a cupful of teeth. Then they’d wade in with sharpened
hoes and chop any survivors into stew meat.
I’m not sure exactly how they do it, but I’m pretty sure they don’t use automatic weapons. Not here in the States, anyway.
Let’s get right to the main nerve of this whole issue. A simple look at our physical make-up - teeth, bones, musculature, vision, brain size - all point
more towards the carnivore side of the scale. As I was thinking about this,
I heard the young sprout at the other table say, "Just look at the Apes. They’re one of man’s closest ancestors and they only eat plants. I think we
could learn a lot from the apes."
Yeah - I thought - Like how to sleep for 16 hours a day and how to determine which female is hot and ready to go just by looking at how red her behind is.
Monkeys and Gorillas are. The only reason they don’t eat meat is because they’d have to chase it down... and that’s just too much like
work. Trust me, you put some icons for steak, pork, and chicken on KoKo’s
'talk board' and she’d be pushing those buttons like a peyote dealer on straight commission.
Sure, Martha Stewart can show you how to cook and serve a pine tree, but she doesn’t warn you about the after effects - like crapping kindling. Eating
all that roughage means you have to be like a mathematician in the bathroom - you have to work it out with a pencil.
Then there’s the issue of vegans and their pets. What kind of table scraps can a vegetarian's dog expect?
"Here you go, boy - I can’t finish all of my meatless tofu burger with bromelated vegetable oil/soy protein, imitation cheese flavoured food
substitute topping on an organic wheat and gluten-free bun."
Hell, just saying something like that to your dog will produce a head tilt that even Commander Riker couldn’t equal.
My dog looks forward to mealtime at my house. I eat so many rib eyes that my nipples have 20/20 vision. I eat so much pork that people have actually cast
their pearls before me. Chicken? Mmmm, finger lickin’ (though I do pull the
skin off and trim my meat carefully - trying to watch my cholesterol, you know. My numbers look pretty good, but my dog’s cholesterol is probably
about 300.)
Bottom line - Man’s desire for meat is bred into the bone. We are driven to hunt, kill, and then eat the fruits (or meats) of our labours. Telling a man
that he can’t have meat is like telling a man he can’t have thoughts of
nasty and depraved sex while watching the latest Christina Aguilera video.
It’s just physically impossible.
But perhaps I just speak for myself.
So, in conclusion, just let me say that there are only two kinds of meat I won’t eat - My own and Kevin Bacon. Other than that - make it rare and give
me some gravy, baby.
I’m just sayin’...
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