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If God Didn't Mean...


Gary Gordon

If God didnít mean for us to eat animals... Then how come he made Ďem outta MEAT?

Thereís a question the vegans donít have an answer for!

Now, donít get me wrong - I think everyone should be able to eat whatever makes him or her happy. Go ahead and eat rabbit food if it puts a little hop in your step... but I wonít complain about a little hare in MY food. Iíll be having the Bunny Flambť on a bed of shredded lettuce, thank you.

Besides, plants are living things too. Just because you canít hear a carrot let loose an agonized shriek as you pull it from the comforting embrace of itís earthen shroud.. doesnít mean that itís any less 'dead' than the cow that gave up itís life so I could have a frigginí burger.

I sat in a restaurant a few nights ago and listened to a young girl describe the "horrors" of how animals are 'cruelly slaughtered just so flesh-eaters can have a steak.'

To hear her tell it... they got a bunch of cows together, broke out the automatic weapons, and started shooting... laughing maniacally while the gunfire rattled like a cupful of teeth. Then theyíd wade in with sharpened hoes and chop any survivors into stew meat.

Iím not sure exactly how they do it, but Iím pretty sure they donít use automatic weapons. Not here in the States, anyway.

Letís get right to the main nerve of this whole issue. A simple look at our physical make-up - teeth, bones, musculature, vision, brain size - all point more towards the carnivore side of the scale. As I was thinking about this, I heard the young sprout at the other table say, "Just look at the Apes. Theyíre one of manís closest ancestors and they only eat plants. I think we could learn a lot from the apes."

Yeah - I thought - Like how to sleep for 16 hours a day and how to determine which female is hot and ready to go just by looking at how red her behind is. Monkeys and Gorillas are. The only reason they donít eat meat is because theyíd have to chase it down... and thatís just too much like work. Trust me, you put some icons for steak, pork, and chicken on KoKoís 'talk board' and sheíd be pushing those buttons like a peyote dealer on straight commission.

Sure, Martha Stewart can show you how to cook and serve a pine tree, but she doesnít warn you about the after effects - like crapping kindling. Eating all that roughage means you have to be like a mathematician in the bathroom - you have to work it out with a pencil.

Then thereís the issue of vegans and their pets. What kind of table scraps can a vegetarian's dog expect? 

"Here you go, boy - I canít finish all of my meatless tofu burger with bromelated vegetable oil/soy protein, imitation cheese flavoured food substitute topping on an organic wheat and gluten-free bun."

Hell, just saying something like that to your dog will produce a head tilt that even Commander Riker couldnít equal.

My dog looks forward to mealtime at my house. I eat so many rib eyes that my nipples have 20/20 vision. I eat so much pork that people have actually cast their pearls before me. Chicken? Mmmm, finger lickiní (though I do pull the skin off and trim my meat carefully - trying to watch my cholesterol, you know. My numbers look pretty good, but my dogís cholesterol is probably about 300.)

Bottom line - Manís desire for meat is bred into the bone. We are driven to hunt, kill, and then eat the fruits (or meats) of our labours. Telling a man that he canít have meat is like telling a man he canít have thoughts of nasty and depraved sex while watching the latest Christina Aguilera video. Itís just physically impossible.

But perhaps I just speak for myself.

So, in conclusion, just let me say that there are only two kinds of meat I wonít eat - My own and Kevin Bacon. Other than that - make it rare and give me some gravy, baby.

Iím just sayiní...

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