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Everyone's a Criminal


Gary Gordon

When I was very young
My Uncle Mel got sick.
My father said, "Before he's dead,
Let's visit the old prick."

"You never know," continued dad,
"This world is full of swill,
And since old Mel's a cheapskate,
He might cut us from his will."

So we went down to the hospital
Where he was hooked to a machine,
Uncle Mel didn't look too good
He was shrivelled up and green.

We all made stupid small talk
As we sat around his bed,
But when Mom and Dad went out for some air
I stayed with Mel instead.

The minute my folks left the room
Old Mel's eyes seemed to clear,
He grinned and pulled me toward him
and whispered in my ear.

"Sonny boy, when I was young,
'Bout the same age you are now,
I thought that Right would always win
And that Truth would shine somehow.

But now that I'm a sick old fart
And I've learned a thing or two,
Take these tips from Uncle Mel
'Cause I'd never lie to you.

Everyone's a criminal,
Everyone's a con,
Your Mom, your pop, your cousin Mitch,
The list goes on and on.

Everyone is guilty
of some stupid little crime,
Like spitting on the sidewalk,
I do it all the time.

And everyone's a pencil thief
No matter what they make.
When Congress meet they legislate
How many bribes to take.

And what about them preachers
who tell you what life means,
While all of your donations
buy them nice new limousines

And everyone's a sodomist
Who's given head a try.
If they gave the chair for tonguing it,
Then most of us would fry.

And everyone's a litterbug,
Who hasn't left some poop
For someone else to step in
'Cause they didn't use a scoop.

And everyone's forgotten
Some income here and there,
Like that ten bucks Gramma sent
You figured nobody would care.

And everyone has jaywalked
And never even paused
To think about the ten car crash
Their careless rush just caused.

Everyone has loitered
Or trespassed once or twice,
Or lied on an insurance form
Or played a little dice.

Everyone's a bookie,
The papers give the spread,
Your pop has got it eight to five
That I never leave this bed.

Yeah, I know that they're all schemers,
They'd love to see me kick,
But Uncle Mel is no one's fool
I've still got one last trick.

You're the only one that I can trust,
So here's what I will do,
Before I go, just so you know,
I'm leaving it all to YOU!"

Well, I just stood there speechless,
Then gave old Mel a hug,
And as I wiped a tear away
I pulled out Uncle's plug

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