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Epp Härm

Some time ago, on a cold winter night, a boy asked me, "Why do you look so unhappy?" Words were echoing in the empty air. I looked away. Snowflakes swirled in the dark sky. I hid my sight between dimmish stars.

"Why..." That question was still on my mind. He had noticed the sadness in my eyes. The dejection, I thought, was already gone.

A soft sunbeam caressed my cheek, while a cool breeze was playing with my hair. Slowly I opened my eyes. Stretching out my bare feet on a grey seat cover, I sensed the light, swaying rhythm of the bus, that had lasted for hours. Drowsily I pushed the bag, which was replacing a pillow at the moment, further. It was still early in the morning. Summer. Freedom. And adventures?

Who was I then? Fair, wispy hair on the back, pale green eyes, jeans round the hips and a back-bag on a tanned shoulder. Without past and future, I belonged only to that brief moment, when you saw me. And you didn't need to know more.

Last stop. I was standing on a bottom stair of a bus and watched morosely in front of me. Heavy, opaque rain.

I landed with a light jump on a crumbled pavement. And already I felt how the ringlets cleaved clammily to my face and water drops reached down from the neck. Finally I knocked at a wide, brown door. As it opened, I slipped quickly to a poky entry and pulled a soaked top over my head.

Few hours later the sun was shining again. Air, sweet because of the fresh rain, blended with dust that rose beneath my feet. I was walking along a sandy road.

And one moment I was standing there. At His doorway. I watched blatantly into coffee-colored eyes that gauged me long. From top to bottom. Trouble.

Next summer days... Laughter, looks, touches... And something, I didn't know how to name, fascinated me.

I was sitting on a swing. An old tree, to which it was attached, left long shadows on the ground while the sunset gilded everything around me. Silence. 

Dreaminess was broken by a sure voice. "I have wanted to do this for a long time!" As I lifted my eyes, I saw Him in front of me. A simple kiss. However, I felt a cold and a hot sparkle running on my back. Which one up, which down, between that I couldn't tell the difference any more.

An hour later I was sitting in a bus. Again. Before falling asleep, I knew already that I would forget Him. Summer night lightened a tiny silver heart on my neck - a fading memory. Only light-blue moon in the sky looked at me with a mocking smile.

I shivered my shoulders. New Year's Eve. Even so I was standing on a balcony and let a chilly winter night to spite me. A darkness sprawled around me. Alone. They say this night is magical. Closing my eyes, I was in His arms. And I liked being there. Maybe too much.

From the remembrance shook me up the hollow voice of a clock. Midnight. The end of old and the beginning of new.

Days, months went by. Stifling heat motioned that it's time to go. But wherever staying, I threw hidden glances around me. Always accompanied by a little hope to find someone I knew.

I looked at white sand on my toes. The same road. Same time, only a year later. Suddenly I felt a strong grasp round my wrists and ground disappeared under my feet. It seemed that He would like to shake me hard, like a kitten.

So close. I didn't even try to release myself. There was something menacing in His pose. Angry and hurt. Discouragingly I stood back one step.

Morning sunlight tickled me awake. I pushed the blanket hastily to the floor and grabbed at the bag.

I stepped on dampish cobbles. Town, beneath the mist, was asleep. For now. Dropping my head down, I sighed inaudibly. Cool water on my face consoled.

I sat on the first leaving train. Grey. I lifted legs on the seat and leaned against cold glass. Downpour. Wind arose into a storm and somewhere flashed lightening. Deafening rumble. A thunderbolt brightened up the leaden sky.

I winced. And detected tears in my eyes. Damn... I didn't...

Time passed. Suddenly I noticed Him. Coming towards me. I lapsed lower and  lower on my seat.

Nameless looks gazed at us. I heard the voice, but couldn't understand the words. I stood up. Firm hand caught me. "Who are you?"


Feeling that I'm free again, I fled. Just ran. Along unknown streets. I stopped in front of a glass wall. I was looking into my own eyes. Myself. Something had changed. Maybe... me?

I had to see Him. I didn't know what to say, but... Purposefully I walked down the wintry street. I had made up my mind.

An arm round my waist offered warmness. Next to Him. Everything seemed so fragile, perfect. Too precious to lose. And it scared me. Obliviously I disappeared into the darkness.

"Don't you run away!" Taking fright, I inhaled freezing air. It wasn't possible. How did He find me? Weird. I couldn't hide my soul from Him.

"Tell me, what's wrong?"


I found myself on a dark-blue seat of an old and worn bus. I was tired. Not a single thought, feeling.

I couldn't tell Him, that love was an illusion. I didn't believe it myself any more.

I pulled a jersey tighter round the knees. Turning my head, I looked out, beyond my reflection. Inky world. Cagey. Afar gleamed starry lights of an approaching city.

"This is my life. This is me."

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