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Rani
by
Ehsan Elahi Ehsan
"O, my God. Have mercy on me. How cruelly have I wasted my life, your blessing. I confess myself as a sinner. I lost my loving husband, Abdul, the father of my son Ramazan and Bano and Shano, the two little daughters. I caused the killing of my previous husband Abdul only to enjoy myself anew. He did me no wrong, was always kind to me. What was it, I could not locate the whole of my life. Was it some psychological problem, some physical disease or only an animal passion. I think it was only an animal passion which awakened in me all of a sudden. I sacrificed every person for it. My husband Abdul, my son Ramazan, my daughter in-law Gurya. And now I am lying all alone here in this dark and gloomy room. I made others lonely and I am victim of loneliness now. That is a good punishment for me. It was not a psychological problem, nor a physical disease. It was only an animal passion. I don’t feel the same urge now. My blood does not make a revolt now. I do not feel blind and th! irsty the way I did. I am now 60 but physically so weak that I feel to be above 100 years. There is no body to look after me. I am at the charity of the neighbouring women. If they do not provide me something to eat, what would happen to me.
I cannot earn, even I cannot move
well out of my bed. An all the time sickly woman due to weakness. My flesh has
been eaten up by my bones. The eyesight weakened. Hard of hearing. My spectacles
helps me as it can but… my teeth nearly fallen except a few in the back of the
jaws, O, God, have a mercy on my miserable condition. Better you give me death.
This life is a permanent punishment for me. My son Ramazan, how lovely, young
and blooming he was. At 17 I got him married just of make myself happy with
another marriage. Oh! What kind of happiness it was! It seemed happiness at that
time but now…. That was all a blunder. Now, when the time is out of joint, I
realize my mistake but what is the use of this realization. I heard that my son
Ramazan als! o met an accident and died. It was surely for the frustration I
caused him. My son, my dear child do not jeer at me. I am already broken. And my
daughter- in-law Gurya what would have she been thinking about me. I disgraced
her for no sin of her own. I don’t know how is she passing life with my little
daughters Bano and Shano. Little daughters, Rani how foolish you are. They might
have grown quite young, may be married. Long time! Where is that blooming youth
which I had. Where is that beauty. My big and red healthy face, the ditches in
my cheeks, the charming eyes, the smiling and alluring sights, the long black
hair, the delicacy of the body, all gone!. Now, I merely a skeleton. Thanks God
I did not reveal my past to any body or these women in the neighbour who come to
give me some thing to eat as charity would never like to see my face.
Noor, the man whom I married and his cousin both lost in the accident years ago.
How have I been flirting. I had not been faithful to Noor as well and secretly I
enjoyed with his cousin whenever I had the chance. Why did I do so. Oh, God have
a mercy on me. Sleep come to me and console me. No use. This is nearly midnight,
the dawn yet a long distance. Abdul, excuse me for the wrong I did to you. I
know that God would not forgive me until you forgive. Can a woman be so cruel as
I was and for what, only for bodily enjoyment. What a beast I had been. No the
beasts do not do so. They go by nature. I broke the laws of nature as well. I
had been abnormal in my physical pursuits. Is there anybody here, my breath is
failing, any body, any body, O, God, no body. O, God forgive me, forgive me. I
did not value your gift, your blessing. I wasted the life you gave me. You are
all Merciful. O, God forgive me for my wrong". And there was a permanent silence
in that gloomy room!
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