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The Terribly Moonlit Garden
Daniel W. Kneip
Hidden quietly inside, and peering ever so neatly out the
window, Mr. Apoxsey groaned; the moon cast a superfluous brilliance over his
True, plants need light to grow. But not moonlight.
“Everyone knows,” he spoke softly into his mini-tape recorder, “that excessive
moonlight, or lunarosity, can have a negative effect on the bud of a plant. I
have examined the topic ad nauseum and have discovered that direct sunlight
leads to healthy production while reflected light, or lunarosity, is pure evil.”
Indeed, his studies were based on theory, he swore he would not die before he,
at long last, managed a solution to what ailed him.
And as he pondered at the window, a leaf of lettuce quickly began to squeal and
shrivel under the naughty gaze of the man in the moon and Mr. Apoxsey screamed,
“Stop looking at my lettuce that way, you fiend!”
But the moon was, in some estimation, luckily, far enough away to not hear the
However, Londa, the next door neighbor, heard it and she turned on her bedroom
light and opened her window wide and as the extra light came pouring into that
garden, Mr. Apoxsey seized and fumed!
He stood at his window to address the woman. “Madame, I bid you good evening,
for sure, and kindly ask that you burn out that artificial heat signature this
instant - it is damaging my garden!”
But Londa only sneered right back at him, as her hair nearly fell from its knot.
“Mr. Apoxsey,” she said loud enough for the parsley to shudder, “I will only ask
YOU, sir, to stop screaming at all hours of the night you damned fool!”
And she slammed her window and reeled the shades closed and yes, the
extinguished light made Mr. Apoxsey a little more restful and assured. But
still, the moonlight hovered and doused, hovered and doused..
"Must blow that thing up somehow," he said, perfectly transfixed on the moon.
Then he slunk back into the strangeness of his own thoughts and shadows.
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