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Baby Jasper


Daniel W. Kneip

Baby Jasper was only two months old and she was already talkin' up a real storm and everyone said it was the craziest thing they'd ever seen in all their live-long days! And everyone always said if you ever got the chance to be around her, she was the greatest baby in the galaxy!

Why, if you entered the same room as Baby Jasper, you'd think she was adorable at first, but she'd talk and talk until you wanted to shoot yourself in the head. Or worse!

Once, I happened to be in the doctor's waiting room hoping to have a few splinters removed from a place I can't even begin to describe when Father Jasper wheeled in the little motor mouth monster. And wasn't I Mr. Unfortunate when he parked the carriage right next to my chair, of all places!

I would have tried to inconspicuously turn my chair away from her, but, as I knew from a prior occassion, the chairs in the waiting room were all bolted to the floor!

So, my only form of defense was simply to not make eye contact with the baby. That way, everything was real nice. And quiet.

But I could feel her staring at me, almost daring me to look. And the longer I ignored her, the more I sensed her eyes wandering over my face, into my ears, through my hair, and encompassing my imperfections. Creepy little baby! Well, the weight of it all was sincerely too much for me to continue to endure and I fell to her pressure. I admit, I am a mere mortal! My powers are no match for a cursed baby like Baby Jasper!

And as soon as my eyes met hers, she said:

"Hi! I'm Baby Jasper. I'm two months old which is really 61 days old which is over three-hundred hours old and you look REALLY old. No wonder you're coming to see the doctor! I don't blame you. I'm only here for a quick check-up the doctor can't get enough of me I was delivered very early in the morning and ever since then I don't sleep much I think I'm a morning person I guess like even though sometimes I wake up and I'm so hungry I could eat an elephant - you spell elephant E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T, elephant. I'm so great at spelling you probably don't know anything. Like ask me a question the doctor says I'm the smartest, most gifted baby he's ever seen in all his live-long days, now imagine what I'll be like when I'm as old as you I think I'd rather be dead - kill me when I reach your age I would kill you but I can't even walk yet and I'm not strong enough to grip my baby fingers around your neck but I wouldn't want to touch you anyway you're dirty and gross give me some time, I'll think of a way to kill you!"

And then she was quiet for awhile. Except for the deep heavings for breath. And she just stared at the wall. Lost in thought.

Yeah, great baby.

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