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The Breakdown


Cinnamon Brown

The more I look at myself the more I ask how did I end up this way, I mean I grew up in a good Christian home with a lot of love I graduated top of my class in high school. I somehow managed to go to college earn a degree in Political Science raise 2 children love my husband unconditionally and still preserve my figure, somewhere between entering the career world and sending my kids to softball practice my husband divorced me and I just nonchalantly went on with life as if nothing happened never changed my last name never changed the answering machine. I just went on as if he had never left as if I was a happily married woman. I never took time out to deal with the reality of the entire situation eventually I climbed further and further up the corporate ladder my children got older I myself also aged and then I got to this day this very moment.

When the house is still the love has left and now I have to deal with the fact that 8 years ago my husband left me and he remarried and he lives his life happily with his new wife. Maybe if I would have attacked these issues head on when they first happened instead of fooling myself into believing that one day my family would be the same I have spent the last 8 years hoping that my husband would return and wondering if he still liked his eggs runny in the middle. My career and financial status had moved but my heart and mind are still stuck back in time. Now I do not know where to go or what to do. I do not think I have showered in 2 days I do not remember what day month or even what year it is I just woke up and realized that I was alone that the fight for perfection has left me lonely.

I don't want to lay in it but damn what else am i supposed to do.. Where is the cell phone i need to call him i need to know why i have questions that are unanswered .. Oh My God!! Am I losing my mind ..this is ridiculous I need to pull myself together. I am good looking, smart, and I also make a decent living. Should I have to blame myself for what happened.. Damn! What happened? I do not even remember what happened all I know is that it was my fault I caused this thing to happen.. What thing am I referring too. My goodness I need to get it together.

OK whew that was close I felt like I was going to pass out.. If I can just get up and get out this bed move out of this position that I have been in for I don't know how long even when I stand up it still feels as if I am laying down.. To the bathroom my bathroom used to be our bathroom his razors are still there his towel all of his things have not been touched in 8 years...Nothing in this room has changed in 8 years nothing except me of course i have grey hairs and frown lines I'm 41 now my kids have left and I still cant get over the pain of my divorce how could I have hidden it so long that i was hurt I didn't see any signs.. medicine cabinet prescription pills nothing in here for depression or anxiety Tylenol, midol, pep-to, even freaking Dramamine. Alcohol downstairs third cabinet under the sink make it make it there are the stairs haven't seen them in a while living room floor mail from the slot. Where is the dog? Do I even have a freaking dog who knows! kitchen kitchen damn i need a maid I think, my husband never wanted a maid or my ex-husband maybe i don't know.. there's the cabinet Merlot, chardonnay, No hard liquor.. Please remind me to get some Vodka one day ..Who am I talking to never mind this will have to do...knife.....fading fading ...

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