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AFLA Alert
by
Bob Hyman
The World
Health Organization today announced the outbreak of
yet another
unidentified disease that seems to be spreading
with near-epidemic
proportions throughout East Central Asia. At first,
the disease was thought
to be a mutant form of the well-known SARS virus.
Subsequent tests have
shown the two unrelated although they manifest
common symptoms. The new
disease is called Another Four Letter Acronym - or
AFLA for short - by its
discoverers. They say that it is more closely
related to the AIDS virus
than to other crown-type viruses.
A spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control
in Atlanta told reporters
that AFLA could reach pandemic proportions within
three weeks unless
effective quarantine procedures were implemented
immediately. Fortunately,
most of the initial infections are said to be
occurring in the Turkmenistan
and Hindustan regions where contact with the
outside world is for the most
part limited to National Geographic reporters and
Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition photographers. Since the gross per
capita income for the
affected regional area is less than eight dollars
(US) per year, little - if
any - economic impact is anticipated from this
outbreak.
In a follow-up news conference to the CDC report,
several major
pharmaceutical manufacturers announced that a
vaccine for the disease could
easily be developed within twelve months, if - and
they cautioned, only if -
the disease somehow migrated into an area with
higher per capita income.
Also, at the same news conference, SI editors
announced that the Swimsuit
Edition might have to be cancelled unless another
suitable indigenous,
virus-free location could be located. Seventeen
nations have thus far
joined a coalition to find a suitable replacement
area. When questioned
about evacuation plans for its reporters, the
National Geographic Society
had no comment other than to say that all embedded
reporters in the
immediate area were expendable.
When asked if there was any connection between the
outbreak and the region's
reluctance to support the recent Iraqi operations,
Administration officials
were quick to point out that they were just as
surprised as anyone. One
official, speaking on the condition of anonymity,
said, "Why would we have
wasted it there when we could have used it on the
French?" Unfortunately,
only the Canadian and Chinese reporters would have
understood the
significance of that remark, but neither could
speak English.
The International Red Cross, Feed the Children, and
twenty-three other
charities have united to form a consortium for AFLA
fund raising to assure
that no possible contributor is missed. Efforts are
underway to locate a
suitable poster child. Negotiations continue
between the consortium and CNN
for rights to all still and video footage of
victims, with resolution
expected prior to the May sweeps.
In a related story, CDC and WHO officials have
requested an additional
fifteen billion dollars to assist in the discovery
and naming of other
viruses. "AIDS and SARS are just the tip of the
iceberg," they said in a
joint communiqué. "There are nearly half a million
possible permutations of
four letters. Even allowing for one or two vowels
in each acronym and
eliminating all unpronounceable combinations, there
are still at least fifty
thousand, four-letter diseases remaining to be
named. Please help us to
continue to come up with the catchy names that the
public has come to
expect."
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