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Benchwarmer - Janice Wu

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2004 10:34 am    Post subject: Benchwarmer - Janice Wu Reply with quote

Good little story, There are more unhappy endings in life than happy ones. You've changed tenses after the first paragraph, but you've done it knowingly I think. You have a tendency to overstate which is not too noticeable in a short piece, but in a longer one it could get irritating.

As an example, the last sentence is somewhat overblown, >>As she felt a sledgehammer shatter her heart into pieces and her throat constrict, a crestfallen tear slid from the corner of her eye.<<
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Fri Nov 05, 2004 8:21 am    Post subject: The Benchwarmer - Janice Wu Reply with quote

I agreed with Harry, Janice, this is a good short story but the ending could be shortened quite bit. For instance, you wrote:

"She stood steadfastly by the coach... " You could omit "steadfastly", since, everything prior to that sentence perpares the reader for "how" she would be standing. Then, "her beat pulsating so intensely," can be shortened. "So intensely" is a given. Try cutting "she was certain everyone within a mile could hear," and shift to present tense in order to bring the reader closer to the action, i.e., Her heart pulsating--the whistle blew, as the coach shoved...

Then, one short sentence can show the ending. Actually, the one you currently used seems to contridicte the beginning anyway. Sure, she cried, but let that tear show her love...

I really enjoed this, Janice. I can see the young girl running out on the playing field, and I can feel the hot tears welling up inside, as she struggles against them. Thank you for reminding us of pain in the midst of our joy.

Linda
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