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Lorraine Zaleski - Silly Grandma

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 9:00 am    Post subject: Lorraine Zaleski - Silly Grandma Reply with quote

Silly Grandma

A really fine piece of work, Lorraine. The voice is clear, it doesn't preach, and above all it isn't sentimental. You paint the detail clearly and the old lady, her daily life and the house she lives in are keen as an etching. Loved it!
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 3:57 pm    Post subject: Silly Grandma - Lorraine Zaleski Reply with quote

I agree Lorraine. This is very good! However, there are a few places where rearranging your words would help the reader. For example, you wrote:

The shadows were thicker against the walls than the frail light she carried.
(Was the shadow thicker than the light? Or was the frail light unable to penetrate the thick shadows?)

You wrote:
She went into her kitchen still smelling of the disinfectant she always used.
(She smelled of disinfectant? Or did the kitchen smell of disinfectant?)

You wrote:
She was careful since she tired easily to not overexert herself,
(You could insert a couple of commas, one after careful and one after easily, and invert “to not” to read “not to”, or begin the sentence: Since she tired easily, she was careful… Either revision would help a reader.)

You wrote:
Before she hated bugs ...
(When I first read “Before she hated bugs”, I expected to hear that she hated something else. I think adding a comma after "Before", and inserting “Now” before the next sentence would make the two sentences easier to read)

HOWEVER, these are just suggestions, Lorraine. Don't let them discourage you. You have truly written an excellent short story Exclamation

Linda
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Lorraine Zaleski
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Joined: 01 Nov 2004
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Location: Syracuse New York

PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 5:15 am    Post subject: thanks Reply with quote

for the critique, Linda. I agree with everything you pointed out. I copied your suggestions and this am will work on the corrections. Smile
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Linda
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 8:02 am    Post subject: Re: thanks Reply with quote

Lorraine Zaleski wrote:
for the critique, Linda. I agree with everything you pointed out. I copied your suggestions and this am will work on the corrections. Smile



Let's just call it proof reading for the moment. We're all in this thing together and which of us truly like "critics"? But, it's a wise writer who carefully picks out a few people willing to proofread for them. I don't know about other writers, but sometimes it’s difficult for me to view my own work objectively, until I put it in the hands of someone else.

Once, I push my creation away, I can read it in light of the proofreader’s understanding. When they return my work, if we both agree, I make the changes. If not, I let it sit a while longer. Then, I reread and revise accordingly.

Have you ever notice the credits many authors put in their books? Allot of those credit are for people who by continual proofreading were, in effect, sharing the writer's dream. I enjoyed your story, Lorraine, so press on! Very Happy

Linda
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