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Perfect Man - Stephen Collicoat

 
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Harry
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Joined: 15 Jan 2004
Posts: 2505
Location: New York

PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2004 6:10 am    Post subject: Perfect Man - Stephen Collicoat Reply with quote

Looks to me you're off to blazing start, Mr. Collicoat. An interesting theme, genetics -- and right in the public eye. Anxious to see what happens next.

I would like to offer a suggestion or two. The first is dialogue. Taylor and Andrew sound a little puppety to me. When Andrew says things like, >>'The market for Girvans other than in specialised areas such as the military has almost collapsed,' he confided. 'Many say that we're an experiment that failed.'<< or, >>There are increasing numbers of youth attacks on Girvans. These thugs are the shock troops of society.<< I get the feeling I should look for the clock imbedded in his back. It sounds a little like the dialogue for sci-fi films of the '40s.

They're both living under the threat of a "Big Brother" administration, (not unlike our own) it seems to me these two people would be more attractive if they revealed the utmost in human frailty.
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 8:21 pm    Post subject: Perfect Man - Stephen Collicoat Reply with quote

Aw, come on Stephen. It just ain't fair to leave us hanging like that! Consider Harry's remarks, revise, then post the next chapter. I'm awaiting! Wink

Linda
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Linda
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 8:55 am    Post subject: Re: Perfect Man - Stephen Collicoat Reply with quote

Harry wrote:
... it seems to me these two people would be more attractive if they revealed the utmost in human frailty.


After logging off last night, Stephen, it occurred to me that your title "The Perfect Man" may have been a clue to your ending...the man kisses then walks...

But, if this is your purpose, then it makes Harry's suggestions for dialog even more important. Two of Twain's rules were to never treat your reader as though he were ignorant, and to remain true to your pro or antagonist's character. If you're going to make your man kiss and walk away, you're going to have to reveal this (however subtly) in his character through his dialog. And do so somewhere in the beginning, or long before the ending.
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