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Terror by Valerie Martin

 
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Linda
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Joined: 14 Jan 2004
Posts: 1024
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2004 2:58 pm    Post subject: Terror by Valerie Martin Reply with quote

Valerie,

This is a great story, but, if you'll try more show and less tell, I think you'll have a better response from the reader. For instance, you wrote:


Terror was a palpable thing. It's icy fingers wrapped around her heart, her throat, making breathing almost impossible.

Instead, omit the first sentence and show us how terror was papable...show us struggling for breath, clutching her throat she coughed and ...... well, you know.

But, your title is catching and the story holds your interest. Good job!
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