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Silent Lullaby
by
Cindy Hanacek
One morning, about six weeks before our daughter was due, I remember sitting
alone on our patio swing. It was a beautiful July day- the kind that finds you
with gentle music playing in your head, and a promising day spread out before
you. I guess I don't know what exactly made me feel the way I did at that time.
Perhaps it was the intuition of pregnancy, or some divine whisperings. Or simply
the slow calm of a Saturday morning. But as our daughter moved just then, I
became keenly aware of the awesomeness of her. I can't say that I knew I would
soon lose her, but I knew that at that moment it was very important that I hold
her tight, and take in her sweetness. And even more important, that she knew how
much she was loved. There seemed a certain urgency to it. I gently wrapped my
arms around my swollen belly and I cradled her. I began to slowly rock her and
hum her a lullaby. I knew that whatever happened from then on, I at least had
that moment. And that I had not missed the opportunity to love her, and to
mother her. And, having done that, I felt a peace beyond words. Three weeks
later she was gone.
Eleven years have passed since that precious day, and we're now a family of
four. Most days speed by in a whirlwind of Matchbox cars and video games- pieces
of our son's lives. But every once in a while my mind and heart take me back to
that tender Saturday morning. I lovingly recall the private moment I shared with
my daughter...and I smile.
I've never been bitter about what we've lost. As a family we are stronger, more
courageous, and more appreciative of the time we have with each. We now have a
child waiting in Heaven for us, and I'm grateful for having been a part of her
life, no matter how briefly. I take comfort in the fact that she knows she was
loved. I'm glad I had the chance to tell her.
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